Children of the Boss

Chapter 13: Carmen

August 24th

Since I hurt Joe and broke his heart, he thought hitting me would make us even. I let him do it. Everyone always asked why I was with him. I was the exemplary honor student, top of the class, nice and well liked. Joe was one of the guys who wore a lot of black, didn't get good grades, didn't have ambition. I thought he would be nice. In the past guys who were popular or good students could be such assholes. I thought maybe since he wasn't like that then he would also not be an asshole. 

When Kenneth came barging into the bathroom, I threw my towel over me because I didn't want him to see the bruises on me, not because I cared about being naked in front of him. Often times, I wondered how I could find a way to actually be naked in front of him, to seduce him a little. This was not the time. 

I didn't know what would have happened if I didn't go to him first. As much as I fantasized about Kenneth I wasn't ready for anything other than just giving him a blowjob. I was surprised when he let me.

I knew Kenneth so well I knew he probably felt guilty about letting me go down on him. He felt guilty because he knew me so well that he knew it wasn't genuine and loving in the way we both fantasized about. Still, I liked it. He apparently did too.

What are you thinking about me?

Fucking you.

I wanted him so badly, especially when he said that. And then he said he missed me, and I realized how we could never really go back to who we were. 

I felt bad the whole day, because I just wasn't good for him but he loved me and I loved him and I was only going to hurt him. Like Joe said, hurting people was the only thing I was good at. I didn't want to hurt him.

In my writing class I had that with Madison. When she sat next to me like usual it really sunk in. Not only was I going to hurt Kenneth, I was going to hurt Madison because Kenneth couldn't lie to her. He just couldn't lie in general, but I was praying he wouldn't tell her.

"You alright?" she asked as we peer reviewed each others essays.

"Yeah, just tired," I said.

"So are you and Joe still a thing?"

I paused, then sighed. "I don't know. Yes, but I don't want to be with him, but I don't want to be single."

She nodded. "I understand. Kenneth and I are together but it's not serious. We decided to just have fun, so maybe try talking to Joe and see if you can just have some fun."

I shook my head. "He wouldn't be okay with that. He's way more in love with me than I am with him."

"Sometimes I think Kenneth is like that." He's not. "But I also sometimes think he is just with me for sex, which I guess is okay but I worry he doesn't actually really like me as much as I like him, like even as a friend."

"He likes you," I said, because that part was at least true.

"He's been like...distracted lately, and I feel like we might call it quits, which will be fine but I keep thinking there's like...someone else already you know?" My face grew red and I looked down at the essay. 

"He would never cheat on you," I said, and it was awful because he already had.

"Yeah, I just...I'm not sure. I don't think he would but he would beat around the bush too much because he's too nice you know."

I nodded, but kept looking down. At the end of class she looked at me like she knew something, like she thought I knew something about Kenneth and she didn't. It was true, but I don't think she knew it was me she had to worry about. After all, I was just her boyfriend's sister.