Children of the Boss

Chapter 28: Carmen

October 31st

I had to meet with my therapist on Saturdays at 10AM because I was too busy during the week. Her name was Cheryl and she had curly red hair, a soft voice, and bright eyes. She was very nice, and I did actually like going. Sometimes I would be tired or have stuff to do, but Pop would still make me go. 

I had only seen her three times. I took a preliminary test and she said I scored high on depression and in the middle on anxiety. On the first day we talked about my anxiety, and she said most of my anxiety seemed to stem from family. I was worried about disappointing my family or causing them to stress, which I already knew and thought was pretty normal. She was good at what she did.

That day, Pop sat outside the office. He was going to join us later.

"Your father called me," Cheryl said. "He said he was concerned. Can you tell me what that's about?"

"My brother told him some stuff," I said. She didn't say anything. "And I didn't want him to tell Pop. I shouldn't have told my brother."

"Why do you think he told your father?"

"He was worried, but still. I don't trust him anymore."

She nodded. "What was it that your brother told your father?"

I paused, looking at the gray carpet. Everything was gray except for a red pillow that I held. "That I self harm. I only did it once though."

"What was the trigger?" she asked.

Three weeks ago I saw Kenneth kissing some girl. He was smiling and flirting with her. I don't know who she was, and yes I was jealous, but I think the hardest part was realizing he didn't care. It was easy for him to move on. I had a hard time. Everyday I wanted to run into his room and into his arms, apologize, and say I never wanted to leave him again. I thought I hurt him and he was going to hurt as much as me, but apparently not. So I went into a downward spiral and started to think nobody would care if I just disappeared. And I cut my forearm.

I shrugged. 

Pop was sitting outside of the room, probably staring at the carpet just like me. After I came back to the house after slapping Kenneth, Pop sat with me in the den. He told me that Kenneth told him I self harmed. I hated him so much for it. I thought it was a manipulation tactic, some type of revenge. Pop was kind about it though. He understood. He said he would tell Dad but try to convince him not to freak out about it.

"Everything I tell you is confidential right?" I asked. "Like you won't tell my father, no matter what it is?"

"That's right. Unless I think you are in immediate danger of hurting yourself or others, then nothing escapes this room," she said.

"Well, I'm not going to hurt anyone else. But, what I want to tell you is something my fathers can never find out about. Ever. It would ruin our family," I said, and I had a feeling she could tell what I was going to tell her.

"You have my word."

I took a deep breath. "Well, Kenneth and I are the same age you know, and we were very close. He was my best friend, and for so long he felt like this other half of me, like I was incomplete without him. I'm adopted, and when we became teenagers I think we realized how unrelated we were. So we kissed once, and then we didn't do anything or talk about it for years, but then this past semester we confronted it more. I'm really in love with him, and he's in love with me, but maybe not anymore. We went too far and so I told him we could never cross the line like that again and it would be best if we not talk to each other if we could try." I shrugged. "I don't look at Dean as anything but my brother, same with Eve and Gabriel. They're all my siblings and it would be gross to look at them any other way. But with Kenneth it's different."