December, 2016, 9 months ago
Carl insists to see Mam after my visit to him. 90% of me wants to say no, knowing I'll be overwhelmed by an immense amount of jealousy at seeing the bond between them. I also know that he'll bombard her with questions about Jodie even though I know I've answered them all. The other 10% wants to ruffle his hair and give in and drive to the prison at 100 miles an hour to make him happy.
Something tells me that Carl doesn't really believe a word I say and that means Olive has him wrapped around her little finger.
That would be just like her; to make him believe her side to the story, the false one.
"Are you sure about this visit?" I ask for probably the 100th time since we set out into the car. Carl who has his knees up against the dashboard, rolls his eyes. "Yes, Alex. I'm sure. I've seen her a million times in the prison and I'm not scared. I'm sixteen years old. A grown man." He announces, puffing up his chest and I laugh.
He glares in response. "You're still a child, Carl. When I was your age I-"
"I don't want to know about your fun exciting life in care." He snarks, giving me another glare.
"I know what it's like in the system. I'm still living in it. And it's hell." He grunts, turning to look out the window where it is drizzling with fine rain that makes everything wet and slippery. Typical English weather, I wonder if it was ever a hot country. I've always wanted to go to Italy: it's full of culture and beauty and the accent the people hold is seductive and charming. I've only ever been to Blackpool on a rare outing with my father when he could actually be bothered to take us out and treat us like his children. It was a hot day, full of sand castles, screaming children rushing into the sea and ice cream dripping down my hands after I held onto it for too long.
"Alex." Carl knocks me out of my thoughts as he hits me in my side, and I realise we've arrived and have parked up outside. My hands are clenched tightly around the steering wheel to the point that my knuckles have turned white. My shoulders are hunched to the point of almost being up around my ears. "Let's go." He jumps up out of his seat and flings the passenger door open, sending himself out into the pouring rain, pulling up his hood, reminding me that I've left my coat at home. Great. I jump out hesitantly and run to the entrance, where Carl has already gone inside, no doubt sprinting straight to Olive's room.
As I head inside, I can hear their shrieks of laughter before I've even turned the corner and a lead weight lands in my stomach. I feel jealous and left out and I haven't even entered the room yet. I take a deep breath and brace myself. I step into the visiting room to see Carl perched on a chair, leaning forwards so his knees are touching Olive's, her hands clasping his.
She looks much more healthy than she did the last time I visited her, which is a relief and annoying at the same time. She's still a little pale though. She looks up when she sees me, and offers a timid smile, before turning back to Carl. Her sweet, precious, innocent fucking Carl.
Mam, I'm right here, look at me, I'm your son. I need you, and I've been waiting for an opportunity to get back a close relationship with you for almost sixteen years. Fucking look at me, validate me, make me feel like you actually care. But she goes on looking into Carl's eyes and sharing their moment together. Eventually, I step over, making the move by myself. "Hey, mam." I dump my weight into a chair as hard as I can so it makes an aggressive noise but she doesn't even blink at the noise. "Hi, Alex." She smiles shortly and turns to Carl, who is muttering animatedly about school.
".....and Alex told me that if I work hard enough, I'll get that B grade that I need. What do you think Ma? Reckon I could do it?" Carl's voice has risen at least a pitch higher and it gives me the impression that he's trying to act like a sweet little darling. You piece of shit. "I know what you're doing, Carl." I hiss but of course, Mam hears me and her gaze snaps to mine, giving me a deadly look.
"Alex, what are you talking about?" She snaps, defensive mode suddenly switched on. I roll my eyes. She never used to be this loving and defensive for me and Jodie, but clearly, Carl is the only child she's interested in being a mother to. I raise my eyebrows at her stupidity and groan. "Seriously? He's acting like the sun shines out of his arse, when really he's a little shit who does no work at school and is in trouble with most of the teachers. Are you that fucking blind that you don't realise how much of an idiot and a slacker your child is! The fuck's wrong with you?" I spit angrily, which causes the security guards to stare and step forwards out of protection for the prisoners, for Olive.
I glare at them with as much hostility as I can muster. "I'm not going to hurt her. She's not worth it." I grunt, and turn away, heading out to find a vending machine. I need a drink. Dr. Pepper is calling me. I stalk through the corridors and give a death stare to anyone who even remotely looks in my way. When I reach the vending machine, I slot coins into the machine to pay for the extremely overpriced drink. It falls into the shaft and I reach in to grab it.
I twist off the lid and chug back a mouthful, gulping it down thirstily, not even thinking to save some for Carl, the deceiving little dickhead. Oh stop being a child, Alex. Cut out the insults. I need to stop being such a jealous fool. I grip the bottle in my one hand and reluctantly head back to the visiting room. The childish, irrational part of me wants to leave the prison without Carl, and subject him to walk home in the pouring rain....but I know that his care workers will be onto me and furious if I do.
I open the door to the visiting room and walk in, where the two of them are still spiting me by being deep in conversation. "Yeah, I'm fine thanks for asking. Come on, Carl, we're leaving." I give him a glare but he stays rooted to his seat, holding hands with Olive like a toddler. "Alex, we've been here barely half an hour. Let's stay a little bit longer, I'm trying to talk to Ma." He protests and I let out a bitter chuckle.
"I've been trying to talk to her for fifteen years, and I'm still fucking trying, but there we are. It's clear you don't want me, only Carl, your precious boy." I snark but Olive actually tries defending herself. "Alex, I love you and Carl equally.-"
"Oh really? Did you love Jodie equally too?" I grunt and she jolts from shock, her mouth half open in protest. "How dare you." She mutters, voice low.
I almost smirk from her nerve. The fact that she's about to challenge me is almost funny and annoying. "You know that.....what happened to her was an accident." She stammers and I scoff.
"Please, an accident. If you didn't want her to die, then you shouldn't have stabbed her." I retort and she turns away. "Just leave, Alex. Go. Don't come back." She whispers.
I nod triumphantly. "Just as I thought; you're going to turn your back on me and forget about everything except yourself. Fuck Jodie, fuck me, fuck the world, eh Ma?" I walk out without a backwards glance. "Hurry up if you're coming, Carl. I ain't waiting a moment longer." I head straight out into the rain and rush to the car. Whether Carl chooses me or her I don't know and I don't care.
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Remember: Alex and Aro (boyxboy)
ФанфикAlex Danvers is a 26 year old maths teacher, at the start of his career, who should be having the time of his life enjoying what he's earned after spending so much time at university. But with his schizophrenia out of control, he can't remember what...
