disappeared. wowkwan

xxvii

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*  

2017년 11월 1일

november 1, 2017

      junhee and seyoon had gone home, and now i'm alone.

     i'm scared, about a lot of things for the past days and weeks.

     kim seyoon, mostly.

     our somewhat reunion was at his mother's funeral, and i feel very bad now, that i rely on him to help me with my disabilities. he seemed so hurt when i told him i didn't trust him as much, but that's somewhat a flaw. i have no filter.

    i love him so much, even if he has changed, majorly. he still has the same toothy grin, and caring personality i loved as a 13-year-old gay boy.

    he is just the definition of perfect, everything about him is amazing. nothing with him is flawed. nothing at all, and it scares me because he's like thin porcelain.

    beautiful, priceless, and a work of art, but easily breakable, stainable, and cold to the touch.

    if he cracks, then his perfectness is shattered.

    but i never had a perfectness, huh?

    i've always been shattered.

    at 16, i was beaten by mom's former husband because i came out to him, saying i was dating changkyun. at 18, i started drugs, and at 19, junhee helped me stop.

    it seemed as though when junhee walked into the picture, he fixed everything. almost as if he were like an angel, flying past any problem, and solving it in the blink of an eye.

    if only he could fix me mentally.

    fix my home.

    fix my relationships.

    fix me.

    fix me or make me disappear.

     - byeongkwan

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*  

     seyoon drags the fridge door open, his stomach growling viciously. he was starving, but nothing was left in the fridge for him to eat.

    leftover fried rice, some commandments, and a pitcher of cold water. seyoon sighs, and shuts the door.

    it's not like he needed to eat anyway.

     seyoon always looked thin, not that he starved himself for the "perfect, slim body," but he never ate because he never had food at reach. donghun would be nice sometimes and bring him food, but he knew he had to shop for himself.

    seyoon yawns, and stretches his back and arms, feeling a pop in the vertebrates and joints. he was too tired to walk out to a convenience store and buy a single cup of ramen. it was going to wait until tomorrow.

    he walks to the light switch and turns the lights off in the living room and kitchen, leaving the bathroom light on in the hallway.

    seyoon walks into his living room and dives onto his single couch, the only comfortable item he had to sleep on. he curls up on the fabric cushions, and pulls the folded up blanket the left arm of the couch over his legs.

     he closes his eyes and watches his surroundings go black until his body falls limp and he goes into a state of sleep.

     "goodnight, byeongkwanie," he whispers.

         ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*

        the next morning, byeongkwan awakes to see changkyun laying on the other side of the bed with him. 

    it makes him smile, but not for long.

    he sighs and decides to start making breakfast for the two. changkyun would get pissed if it wasn't ready for him in time.

    byeongkwan unfolds the cover from his body and steps out of bed, rubbing his eyes and stretching his arms before standing up and walking out of the bedroom to the kitchen.

   byeongkwan cooks quickly, not wanting changkyun to await when the food isn't done. he didn't need him pissed for what he was planning to do.

   he files through the medicine cabinet as the rice boils and the egg omelettes cook inside both the pans byeongkwan set up. he pulls down a small pill container.

    his antidepressants. 

    he unscrews the lid without hesitation and shakes two white pills into his hands. he swallows them both down dry, very painfully.

    he screws the lid back on and shoves them into his sweatpants' pocket, so changkyun wouldn't see them so easily.

   he finishes up the cooking, folding the omelettes nicely onto two plates and giving a side of rice to the dish with a bit of soy sauce on top, and seasonings, for flavour.

   he places the plates on the coffee table in the living room area. he brings two cups, and a pitcher of water to the table, along with two pairs of metal chopsticks.

   he pulls the window's curtains back to allow sunlight into the room. it could keep the food warm for a little while.

    byeongkwan, after finally working, sits down on the couch.

    now he just has to wait.

   ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*

bleh

-jin