It's Not Over

Chapter 19

Amanda's POV

After everything settled I ended up back at the precinct.
"You alright?" Everyone kept asking.
"I'm fine" I'd lie.
I've gotten too use to lying.
Fin sat across from me at his desk.
"You think Daniel choosing me was a coincidence?" I finally got the guts to ask.
"Yes?"
His answer was more of a question.
"Why?"
"Nothing, never mind." I shrugged it off.
"Hey, you need to stop blaming yourself you know better than that."
"Do I? Because I'm really starting to second guess my judgment!"
I realized my raise of voice drew attention from everyone in the room. I got up and walked to the bathroom.

I splashed water on my face. Looking at my reflection I didn't recognize the girl staring back at me. That stupid scar across my face was still as visible as the day he gave it to me.
"Hey" Liv walked in.
"I know Fin sent you here so just go ahead and say it."
"Alright, Amanda you've met so many woman in your position and you always told them to stay strong, don't blame yourself."
"I know what I've said."
"So why don't you listen to your on words?"
"Because I was wrong."
"If you think you're wrong than your saying all those woman, girls deserved what they got."
"Well maybe they did! God knows I did."
"You don't mean that."
I stormed out of the bathroom.
"Yeah...I do."

Nick's POV

After Amanda stormed out on Liv she disappeared.
"She just needs to calm down, she'll be back." Liv ensured me.

After an hour my cell rang.
"Get this damn woman off my property." The woman on the other end said.
"Who is this?"
"The mother of the man you murdered."
"You're Jeff's mom?"
"Wow you catch on fast now get this blonde skank off out of my house before I get my shotgun out."
"You don't need to do that I'm on my way."

I walked into the house and found glass broken everywhere.
"Amanda?"
"She's in the back room. Fucking psycho bitch." A large older woman told me from the couch.
"Hey, Amanda?"
I found her in the back bedroom sitting on the bed.
"What are you doing here?" I asked her.
"I don't know. I thought I should talk to her about Jeff, his death, but she didn't want to hear it."
"Come on, let's get out of here."
"The first time I met his mom she hated me. Right off the bat she wanted me dead. Like mother like son I suppose."
"Amanda"
She looked up at me sorrow in her eyes.
"I'm done, I'm just so done."
She got up and walked out the door. I followed.
"Come on, get in the car."
"I want to walk."
She continued walking down the street.
"Than I'll walk with you."

The whole walk was silent. She kept her eyes down staring at her feet the entire time.

"Hey you're back." Fin said as we walked in.
I shot him a look saying not to speak.
I brought her to the interview room and left her there to go talk to Fin and Olivia.
"I found her at Jeff's mom's house." I told them.
"What was she doing there?" Fin asked.
"I don't know. She didn't talk the entire walk here."
"You walked?"
"Yeah, she wanted to. I should probably go get the car."

Amanda's POV

Never in my life have I ever hated myself they way I do now. I wanted to cry but was to tired so I just sat there. Today might have to be the day I end this pain.
Just as I began to cry Nick came in.
"You ready to go home?" He asked. "I got the car."
I nodded and wipped away the tears.
"Come on" he wrapped his arm around me.

At home I could hardly contain my emotions. I was so depressed, hopeless I felt physically sick. I was waiting for him to leave so I could finally end it, but he didn't. Instead he sat down.
"Talk to me" he said.
I couldn't stand it. I just gave in.

Nick's POV

"Everything, I remember every little thing that happened. I can't do this anymore."
I got up from the sofa and hugged her. Right now I needed to listen and not talk.
"I'd rather die than have to see him in my dreams again."
I desperately wanted to get rid of all her pain, but I couldn't. I was useless.
"You don't want they did to me. You can't know." She cried.
"Here, sit down."
She did so.
"Now tell me what you're thinking."
"I'm thinking about Marcello, his men, that bed."
She sobbed more.
"The barrel of that gun, what he did with it. They did it for hours! I felt like was gonna die, I wanted to die!"
"It's over now." I tried comforting her.
"No it's not, I can't get any of it out of my head. Not Jeff, not Marcello, not Caleb, Tucker, everyone! There's a reason they all chose me. Ever stop to think maybe I deserved this?!"
"You didn't..."
"I never fought back, I just let all this happen. I cried on the bathroom floor whenever Jeff would beat me. Like a stupid little girl."
I tried to speak but she cut me off.
"You need to go back to work." She said.
"No I don't."
"You have to, you can't be here."
"Why?"
"Because you'll try to stop me."
I pulled her head away from my chest and looked her in the eyes.
"No, you are not going to kill yourself."
"I'm too tired to fight anymore."
"So what? You're just gonna give up?"
"You don't get it."
"No I don't because you won't tell me."
"That's because I still don't know who to trust. Who isn't gonna end up like Jeff."
"You've known me for almost four years, you can trust me."
"Maybe, but I can't take that chance! Not anymore."