Away!

Chapter 63

Tobias
All my days somehow blur into one. In the morning my first grab is not for my phone or a clock, it's to the bottles, always standing there.
At some point Nita threw me out. She caught me with another girl. It feels like this has been ages ago, but it can't be more than one month.
I sip from my bottle again.
„Mila, hey sweetie come here." I call.
My eyes feel heavy.
She strides over to me. I know she hates me, but she has to serve me here. I smirk at the thought. „Make me a pancake." She eyes me up and down and doesn't speak but just turns around again with a sour expression in her face.
She was just like the other ones. They all think I am the one for them.
A dry laugh nearly Slips my throat. ‚The one' doesn't exist. I am quiet sure about that. I am no ones ‚one'. I am everyone's second. None of my friends at home connected with me again.
I sip from the big bottle again. If this bitch doesn't hurry up I won't be able to eat my stupid pancake. I have to get to work.
She returns with it after a few minutes.
I eat it up fast and then get up. She steps in my way. „You have to pay first."
This time I let the dry laugh escape. „Good joke. Move now." she won't budge and so I simply shove her out of my way.
„Hey! Stay here!" I turn around and look at her with an intense stare. „Leave me alone." she backs away but her face still wears the sour expression.
I push open the door and enter into a colder getting October weather.
The thin rain hits my face and I slump towards the bus station.
I get into the bus after waiting ten minutes in the cold rain.
I down the rest of my bottle and then let myself fall on the hard seat.

„Morning Mr Eaton." the guard greets me. I nod at him.
When I am seated behind my computer I can finally feel the effect of the alcohol I drank in the bus trickling in.
Let's get to work then...
With my skills on the computer I easily got an okay payed job in a communication center. With the weigh I can finance a small apartment on the other side of the city. But I only sleep there sometimes. Most of the times I sleep at some girls house. It's easier.
I log in and start my work.
During the break I sneak to my hiding spot and get out the hidden Wodka.
I feel my hands shaking as I put the bottle to my lips.
Feeling much better I return to my computer.

At seven I return home. Today is the first day in a long time that I don't feel like going to a bar and hook up with a girl... I feel like dying. Not that this is a new feeling to me.
I get out my phone and stare at it. No call. No text.
No one called since my last outburst with my friends. I screamed at them. One of my weakest moments. I am weak.
Always been, always will be. I know it. I can't look after myself. I need her. Always her. No one else. No girl could replace her. No one could be quite like her. She was something special. I never knew someone like her. My heart aches painfully and I drink another swig and another and another, until I sink on the bed with tears in my eyes.
I weak up after an unpleasant sleep full of unpleasant dreams. I pull on a new shirt and new pants and drown my headache to a dull thumping with even more drinking. My body aches for water and I decide to give in to it's wanting. I stick my head under the water faucet and let the water run over my hair and into my mouth. It feels so differently from alcohol and yet so similar.
I stuff my mouth with some hard bread and leave the house.
It's only half past three but I like having the streets to myself. No one to look at me, judge me with every glance.
I know I've been getting to few sleep but I can't bring myself to care. I let my feet walk onwards and onwards. I feel my eyes getting heavier and heavier. I stumble and quickly catch myself again.
I am leaning on a bench. It's smeared with graffiti.
A young woman approaches me and looks at me concerned. „Are you okay?" I nod and look at her. I crave for real personal contact, I feel it somewhere in me but I push that weak feeling away. „Yes. I am." I say shortly and straighten. She is small. Taller than tris though. No one could be smaller and more fragile but yet as strong as Tris.
I don't look in the woman's face and push me onwards.
I pass empty cafes, diners, clothing shops. The owners of the shops already started decorating everything with pumpkins and Halloween themed stuff. I don't feel like Halloween, I feel like nothing.
I feel my stomach rumoring and quickly run into a side street. Once I am a few corners away from the Main Street I empty my whole stomach content into a bin standing there. It just keeps going and going and going and going.
Tears jump into my eyes and blur my vision.
At some point my whole stomach feels empty and there is only a hole in it. Nothingness and still my body wants to get more out. More of the poison I kept on drinking and drinking, not caring what would happen. My stomach clenches again and I feel acid creeping up my throat. My eyes tearing more heavily I spit it out and lean my hands against the wall. I try to take deep breaths but it feels like I am suffocating. I throw up more acid and feel my vision getting black around the edges.
I push myself towards the Main Street again. I don't care that my whole front is covered in vomit, I feel my body giving up and I can't stop it.
My mind, getting clearer with every minute I drag myself forward, screams at me, more alert than it's been in months.
I hear the few cars on the big street before I see it. My vision seems oddly fogged but I force my legs to take step after step. Every step near the street is a good step. They have to find me.
I wish Tris was here. The pang in my chest gives me more energy. I focus on her. Her smile. She will be there. If I reach the Main Street she will be there. She will smile at me, kiss me, love me again.
My vision becomes more and more blurred until i can't see, can't hear and then it's over.