gone. - DISCONTINUED.

{26}

All I heard when I awoke was the beep of a heart monitor.

It was late, and all but maybe two lights were turned off. I sighed into the pillow, finally allowing my eyes to open. My vision was still slightly blurry, so I stayed still for a while, fixing my vision on the corner of the room while my eyesight returned in tact. The room smelled clean...too clean, and it was slightly warm, but my arms were cold. My head felt oddly heavy, but I picked it up anyways, rolling onto my back to stare at the ceiling. I was lost into my thoughts and the patterns on the ceiling, I was so lost in myself that it took a quiet knock on the door to wake me up.

I averted my eyes slowly from the ceiling, to the corner of the room, to the tiny crib that was placed beside my bed. I stared at it for a while, getting lost in that too. Inside the clear plastic crib, a tiny infant lay sleeping. Soundly and beautiful, I couldn't help but drown out whatever sound and outside noise was around me and just..stare. To take it in. And it was a lot. I heard another knock, slightly louder this time, and I turned my head towards the door, sighing again. "Come in..." I murmured quietly, feeling my eyes close once again. After a few seconds, I heard the door handle turn ever so slowly, and a pair of quiet footsteps followed, standing still for a while. No words were said, being that I already knew who it was and why they were here, but I still kept my eyes shut for just a while longer. When I finally opened them, my gaze was set on the floor, where his shoes were, and my eyes travelled slowly up his tall, but lean stature to his face. He too was still, and he had his jaw clenched, focused on something, but then I finally noticed it. Thank god I noticed it.

There were wet tears, dripping off of his face. He was crying. He was silent, so silent, but he was crying.

I watched his expression, and followed his stare back to the crib I was looking at just seconds before. He finally let go of the door, allowing it to close softly on it's own, but remained in the same position that he came in with. He cleared his throat quietly, pulling his skully off of his head, letting his french braids fizz and fall into place. "Did..." He started to speak, then stopped, having to clear his throat yet again to avoid a cracked sounding voice. "Did you..name her yet?" He questioned slowly, and I watched his Adam's apple bob as he swallowed. I shook my head slowly, keeping my hands on my lap. He finally moved his gaze to stare at me next, then looking back the crib. "We didn't ever talk about it.." I spoke lowly, my voice still slightly strained. He simply nodded, slowly walking over and sinking into a nearby chair. Once again, neither of us exchanged a word, the only difference is that between the many silences we shared, this one was the most uncomfortable of them all. His air was thick and mine was thin, him having so much to say and me having nothing at all--it didn't work.

He wiped his face with his hand, resting his chin against his palm as I noticed that he continued to let out these silent tears. He knit his brows together, thinking of the right words to say before he finally spoke up. "I'm sorry..." He murmured quietly. I suddenly felt overwhelmed, leaning back against the thick hospital pillows and tried not to get choked up, before nodding and allowing him to continue. "I had went out...nowhere, just out...and I stopped at the Hudson bridge. And I just thought." He explained himself, looking specifically at my hands folded neatly in my lap. "I didn't know how long I was out there until Laylani called...but you were already in here when I made it. I paced in that room still thinking..the whole time I ain't think about nothing. Just little shit. To get my ass by.." He started to get choked up again, and I just looked at him, not sure what I was even thinking about. Once everything finally had died down, I still felt so small in comparison to him. I gave him something neither of us intended on asking for or wanting, but I still didn't feel as significant. And he proved it.

"I don't want you staying there...with us..." He finally said, shutting his eyes. I blinked at him for a while, wondering what I should say. It was something I suggested in the first place, but I didn't like him when he said it. I didn't know where my head was at this point, but I didn't like him. "You want me gone." I repeated his statement in a simpler way. He just shook his head. "I want you somewhere safe..I don't want her...raised around this." He opened his eyes again, looking me dead in the face. "I do want you to stay with me..just not around what we do.." He answered me softly, waiting for my expression to calm down. I looked away from him, at my hands folded in my lap, then back at the crib, seeing her wiggle softly in the crib, brushing her hand across her lips in her sleep. "We need to name her." I refused to look back at him until I began to like him again, and he caught onto my vibe and sighed. I heard him mumble a curse at himself, and paid it no mind. "Okay.." He started. "My mother's name is Shannon...." I suggested, turning on my side. Still not looking at him, but at the corner I woke up to. He understood where I was going as I saw him nod his head out of the corner of my eye. "Darla." I wrinkled my nose at all of the possible choices, before feeling my soul ignite at one of them.

Without liking him, I lifted my head up, looking up at him with a pool of tears threatening to spill out of my eyes. "Can we name her Shaela...?" I asked, clutching and unclutching the hospital sheets between my fists. He saw me, nodding his head before looking down at the floor, the same pool falling out of his red eyes. "Can you come here?" I asked him again, most desperately than the first question. He slowly got up, using the arm of the chair for support before making his way over to me, kneeling by my bedside. He put a heavy arm around me, and the other behind my head, and said nothing, and did nothing. He just let everything out, and cried. Me? I did what I was supposed to do.

In the dim light, I cried with him too.