gone. - DISCONTINUED.

{31}

By the time I woke and sat up, it was only a little past 11am. By instinct, I was ready to bolt out of bed, cursing myself for letting myself oversleep this late until I remembered where I was. Then I remembered why I was here, remembered last night's events, and slowly sank back into the bed with a blank expression on my face. It was hot, but not too hot--the sun was beaming down through the windows but not long enough to heat up everything it touched. I glanced around the room, looking at everything I've seen a million times already before willing myself out of bed, deciding that this time I would not sink into an ever lasting depression. Besides, how much more depressed could I already be?

I let my feet touch the floor, sliding out of bed quietly in case anybody was still sleep. The door was cracked open, and I heard the fan blowing in the living room but no other noise. Furrowing my eyebrows, I deemed it odd, shaking the feeling off as I made my way towards the bathroom to wash up and attempt to find some suitable clothes to wear for the day. However, the trip was cut short with a thud when I realized I was laying on the floor, a large bag blocking the path I chose as my walkway. "He's got to me fucking kidding me..." I mumbled as I sat up, squinting at the zipped duffel when yet another wave of realization washed over me. I looked around the quiet, empty room, coming to my senses that he had something for me already.

Standing to my feet and grabbing the bag, I placed it on the bed as I inspected the outside. Plain black bag. What was inside of it was the important part as I unzipped it, first seeing a note with nothing but numbers on it. I frowned up my face in confusion, turning my head some as I looked at the numbering before peeking the contents of the bag, seeing kilo bricks, stacks of hundreds, and other items. I took a breath before carrying it upstairs and into the hidden room, placing it down on the floor as I struggled to remember how he got the safe out of the wall. "Okay. Open sesame?" I spoke out loud, staring up at the concrete wall covered in posters. I blew hair out of my face in frustration, deciding that it was probably smarter to mimic what he had showed me the night before. Moving the milk crates stacked along the wall, I took a step back, eyeing the concrete before pushing all of my weight against it, grunting under my breath as it slowly but surely moved to the other side.

When I finally got it open wide enough to be able to see the entire inside of the safe, I took a breath, picking up the black bag and unzipping it, unloading it's contents on top of an old stereo. Seeing a note folded up underneath the kilos and the money, I saw a last name on one paper and a single letter on another. I tilted my head in confusion, wondering how the hell I was supposed to figure out what went where when there were literally rows upon rows of names and numbers that contained items that belonged to us, rightfully. Seeing the first name on the paper, which was Mays, I quickly scanned the sections of the safe with my eyes, seeing the letter M and finding Mays not too shortly after. I picked up everything tagged with the letter M, placing them in the slot before moving onto the H. "Because a single letter helps me sort this shit out so much..." I mumbled to myself in annoyance, already knowing that this new job was going to be a pain in the ass. I was grateful for no longer being exposed to perverts, dead bodies, and possible rapists, but I hadn't done anything educational in over a year, and it started to make my brain hurt and my eyes exhausted.

I glanced over at the H section over and over, seeing tons of last names and security codes for crap that belonged to other people--but no single H. I was tempted to give up and go downstairs to call him, telling him where to find it or at least to sort this shit his self, but then I remembered he gave me this job because he had trust in me. Not because he was lazy and didn't wanna do it himself. Which was probably also true, but I still gave him the benefit of the doubt. After searching for what felt like maybe hours, I did a squeal of delight, which only a quick cover of the mouth followed afterwards. There it was, right in my fucking face, was a lot for the letter H. The single, lonely letter H. I opened the stash, placing the money and objects into its right place before closing up and locking the safe, placing the milk crates back in their position and leaving out of the library.

I shut the door quietly behind me, making sure it was closed fully before hearing a slow clap behind me, shrieking and knocking myself off my equilibrium. Right behind me was Rakim, beside him was Laylani and a smile, then beside him, on the bed, was Shaela, cooing in her car seat and kicking her feet up at a mobile. I felt my chest tighten as I stared at her, not realizing that one night without her in my presence fucked me up so badly that all I wanted to do right now was to hold her and take a nap or two with her. But I was forced to shift my focus, raising an eyebrow up at his smirking presence. "And it only took you what...half an hour?" He commented, gesturing towards the closet door behind me. "Shorter time than I expected." He reached towards the car seat, quietly unbuckling Shae as Lay set the bag down in the arm chair, running her hands through her blue cut. "If that's what you go through every day, then you're stronger than I." She blew out as she sat down, looking across the room at Shae being cradled in Rakim's arms.

"Short time for what?" I asked quietly, trailing my eyes towards Rakim. He simply shook his head, making a few funny faces at a giggling Shaela before looking up at me, taking his hat off. "Assortment. You can take the money out of your safe now though. Monthly payment." He answered with a coy grin, laying back as he held Shae out in the air. I only halfway heard him, watching him in the way I used to hide out from. "That was it?" I questioned finally, leaning against the doorway. He nodded his head, completely immersed in the world of fatherhood. I turned my head towards Lani and she gave me a smile, waving me over to sit by her. "Amazing, isn't it." She whispered to me, watching him with me. "You know, I've been around this kid for four years...he was almost sixteen years old and I never pinned him down as a father guy." I glanced at her, almost forgetting she had been here since the start of it. She had the weak end of the deal then. Looking back at him, he was still holding his daughter, in absolute awe over her. Cradling her in her blanket, tickling her feet, laying her out on his chest. It was amazing. "There's a lot I've never pinned him as...excuse me." I mumbled, heading out of the room and into the kitchen.

It was empty, most of them were probably out running shifts and doing work. I looked in the fridge to see her bottles numbered by date, and I grabbed one to heat up in the microwave, letting it sit warm as I grabbed my own breast. As much as I hated pumping, I didn't really want to feed, so I constantly checked the milk on my wrist. If I couldn't count perimeter, I could count how many drops it'd take for the milk to cool down on my skin. When I came back in the room, Lay was gone, and it was just him and our baby. Ours. That felt weird, just like everything else felt weird. "If she hasn't eaten just give her this." I handed him the bottle, remaining quiet and rigid as I climbed on the bed, pulling out a halfway read book from the bedside table. "Look who decided to join us." He announced quietly, still only looking at her. "Queen of Solitude."

I glanced over at him, slowly opening up my book and shifting slightly in my seat. "Solitude requires being alone." I spoke soundly, skimming the words on the pages halfheartedly. I heard him laugh, then I heard Shaela yawn. "How you gon' be alone all the time, just like that." He answered, laying down a blanket before setting her down gently beside me, gazing up at her while on his side. "Maybe because I like it. Company is nice once in a while though." "You want company then you leave the room whenever I come in." He interrupted spitefully. It almost gave me the urge to get up and wander off into the living room or Lani's room, but that would defeat the purpose of his statement. Instead I sighed, became passive, and closed the book quietly, keeping my eyes on Shaela. "I like to pretend that we don't know each other and you'd prefer to spend that time doing whatever it is that you do, on your own, the way you always do things."

He made a face of disbelief at that, sucking his teeth slightly. "And when you show up, you show up for something that does not include interacting with me." I waited and waited on him to call bullshit on my statement, and when he didn't, I reached for my book again. What I didn't expect was for him to grab my wrist, pulling my hand away. "Cut that shit out." He answered softly, still keeping my hand in his. "And stop acting like this is my job. She is not my job. She is my priority. Pretending don't get you anywhere, and you months too late for that pretending shit." He let go of me, and instead, held on to his daughter that was slowly falling asleep. And so was he. "Thought you would've figured that out by now."

And I couldn't be mad. I just couldn't be sure that I'd keep that promise all 18 years of Shae's life.