gone. - DISCONTINUED.

{28}

Again, like clockwork, I began to pace around the perimeter of the tight spaced living room.

The apartment was fairly small, I had been here almost a month already and I began to pace at first as an anxious habit, but slowly, it became part of my everyday routine. And with what little furniture I had set up, it only made it easier. A couch, a tiny two seating table, a small TV set, and in the corner closest to my bedroom hall, Shaela's pink crib sat. Inside, her tiny body lay asleep, taking one of her plenty naps throughout the day. I stubbed my toe against the end table and cursed silently, messing up the perimeter count I had going in my head and took a deep breath, beginning to walk around the living room again while counting the steps in my head. I had walked around the room so much, I pretty much knew the exact count by memory, but there were still days when I managed to get an incorrect number.

It was a stress thing, or a lack of activity thing. I hadn't even been back to the condo in the three and a half weeks I had been living here, and the only way I was able to keep up with what was going on was during the many daily phone calls I received from Lani. Some days there were people in the background, like Yaz and most of the other girls, but majority of the time it was just her. She'd tell me everything about her day, how she's been, what the girls have been up to, then she'd ask if she could "speak" to Shae, listening to her coos over the phone if she was awake. Frankly, Lani would melt at the sound of hearing her breathe. It was nice to at least have someone to share the feeling with--people cooped up alone in a tiny flat with a different person in the downstairs lobby wasn't very homely to anybody.

As for Rakim, he visited often on most days. But it eventually returned back to how it used to be. He'd be in the living room cuddling with Shae or feeding her, and I'd either be in the makeshift kitchen or in my bedroom, sitting around awkwardly until it felt right to come out. There wasn't much conversation either. The room would be completely quiet, and neither of us had anything to say to each other unless we were spoken to. He did, however, keep me updated on business, but I mostly relied on Lani as a source. He really just came to spend the time with his newborn daughter.

Speaking of newborn, it had only been a few short weeks, but it felt like Shae was growing bigger by the minute. That was the upside of being in this small apartment on my own--I could sit here and look at her for hours, awake or asleep. And at that very moment, as I passed her crib while counting the steps on the perimeter, I heard a shift from her crib, and shortly afterwards a tiny cry ensued. I stopped walking and went immediately to her side, lifting her slowly from the crib while shushing her. I sat down on the couch as I prepped her to feed, finally turning on my phone and checking whatever messages I had. The first few days I couldn't even set my phone down without having something to look at. Now that the month is almost up, everyone was busy with work and couldn't be bothered.

I sighed, listening to the voicemails left from Yaz and from Lani. They were all asking about how I was doing, how things were with the baby, when I was coming back, those sort of things. I finished feeding Shaela, putting on a burp cloth over my already barf-stained shirt and lifting her up to burp her as a knock came to the door. I groaned slightly as she started to fuss, getting up and walking across the room to the door to see Lani grinning alongside Ferg. I blinked, wondering what she was so happy about until she threw her arms around me, hugging me as tight as she could without causing any harm to Shaela. "Baby I missed you so much!! And of course you too!" She exclaimed, bending down to coo at Shae who finally burped after numerous pats on the back, dribbling milk some. Ferg let himself in quietly, gazing around the tiny living room as I stepped to the side to let Lani in after she finally released me.

"Nice lil space you got here." He said, turning to sit himself down on the couch. I rose an eyebrow some, nodding at his statement as I bounced Shae gently on my hip, carefully handing her to Laylani as she too took a seat. "Look, I don't mean to sound rude or anything..but why are y'all here?" I asked in a tired voice, leaning against the television set to look at them. Lani looked up from Shae Land to make a face at me. "Well. I would've thought you'd be happy to see us after a month away." She spoke and I sighed, shaking my head. "I didn't mean it like that...it's just, you usually call me." I replied softly, looking between her and Ferg. She did the same, eyeing Ferg as she moved Shae's hand away from her blue bob. That was another thing I just noticed. Instead of the long blue she got sewed in back in New York, she traded it for a nice shoulder cut that looked good on her. I crossed my arms, waiting for some sort of response as Ferg rolled his eyes, adjusting himself in his seat. "We on baby duty."

I furrowed my brows at that comment, slowly pushing my weight off of the TV. "What do you mean by baby duty?" I pressed, feeling confused over the statement. Lani widened her eyes some, looking back up towards me. "He didn't tell you?" She sounded surprised, like it was the most important thing in the world. "Who didn't tell me?" I felt my voice raise slightly. "You realize I've basically been in solitary confinement for the month and I have no fucking clue what's going on as of late, right?" "Aight, aight, yo. You need to chill." Ferg put his hand up, putting a stop to my rambling. "You gotta work tonight. Rakim told us--"

I turned on my heel and went into my bed room as soon as his name spilled out of his mouth. As if I had problems with disliking him before, now I really had an issue. If anything, he could've at least bothered to tell me that he wanted me to start working soon. Or better yet, told me when he decided it was alright for him to just immediately put his baby mama on the running line. And I already despised that title more than I hated being a comfort girl. I heard mumbles coming from the living room as I shut my door and heard footsteps behind me, the door opening immediately afterwards as Laylani came into view. "He told us that he said something to you already.." She started quietly and I turned around to face her. "And you didn't bother telling me either?!" I snapped out of irritation and she blinked, taking a step back. I immediately felt regret at yelling, and she could see it too as she let out a small sigh. "I didn't tell you or bring it up because I assumed you knew already...but clearly, two hour visits don't do much for his hardheaded mentality." She said, walking over to plop down on my bed. I watched as the mattress bounced lightly, returning into place as she made herself comfortable. "He's not making you do anything drastic, just the skimpy outfit thing and the dirty talk."

"Do you see how much weight I've gained. And how my tits are literally popping out of this very tank top because I became a milk dud." I answered plainly, as if she couldn't see it. It was true, I had leftover pudge on my stomach, arms, and thighs since giving birth. In total I guessed I had gained maybe 30 pounds, and I was already a thin 120 to begin with. As for the boob thing, I went from small A cups to pushing C cups, all because I breastfed rather than spending money on formula. She laughed at it, and quickly stopped as soon as she noticed how serious I was. "Oh, shut up. I've always been thicker than you and you see me shimmying into those outfits." She crossed one leg over the other, looking up at me. "Look, I'd go with you if I could, but you and I both know that Ferg can't deal with a baby. Plus, Yazmin and Cali are going. She's like you, but uglier and less interesting and kind of a space taker." She tried to make me feel better but I shook my head in thought, tapping my fingertips against my leg. "The keys are on me, and the truck is in the parking lot. He wants you to stop over there before you do anything."

I bounced on my toes a bit in thought, debating mentally if it was really worth leaving Shaela here with Ferg and Lani and doing work that could get me arrested--a thought that never crossed my mind until the baby came. Everything concerned the baby now, at least for me. Clearly it didn't for him otherwise I'd still be spending my nights at home instead of being a runner. Lani stayed silent the entire time I had the mental argument with myself, and I eventually sighed, giving in. I was running out of money truthfully. Diapers and sleepers and necessities aren't cheap, and I only had a few thousand saved up from the last time I got paid for working. I walked over to my dresser quietly, pulling out the usual outfit I had packed away in the back of the drawer and frowned at it, just knowing I'd look like yeast in it. I heard Lani sigh too as she got up from the squeaky bed, coming up beside me. "You know that's my baby girl in that living room, Hazel. I'm her other mother. I'll beat Ferg with a spatula if he even hogs her longer than five minutes." She reassured me and I couldn't help but to laugh at it, feeling tears rush down my cheeks.

She smiled and held her arms out, pulling me into yet another hug and I squeezed her tight, placing my head on her shoulder. I missed being able to be with the girls, believe it or not. I was slowly starting to turn back into that 17 year old baby that first became acquainted to this life, now it became my life and I have my own baby. It became too much to even think about. "You don't know how much I actually missed you people." I mumbled into her shoulder, and I felt her laugh. "You people. Fuck is that? We're your people. We're your family. Fuck your old life, it sounded boring as shit. You have a beautiful baby, a fine drug dealing gentleman piece of shit, twelve female friends, and a shit ton of big brothers. You're straight."

That was all that was running through my head as I loaded the passenger seat with the duffel bag, and with a final lecture about taking care of Shaela--in which Lani promised and nearly yanked Ferg's ear off to get a response--I pulled up to the condo and knocked loudly on the door, feeling like the 17 year old baby again.