Night Train || cth

t h i r t y - f o u r

My little escape to the beach was supposed to be filled with peace and quiet. Even though I knew I wouldn't get that with Noah accompanying me, I never thought that it would turn out like it did. After Noah's attempt at reasoning with me and my foolish mistakes - not to mention the accusations of pure hypocracy - the two of us packed up and headed back home. The entire car ride was filled with silence, which is what I wanted in the first place, but it was an awkward silence that almost suffocated me.

I can honestly say that the one hour car ride was an hour of my life that I wish I could've avoided at all costs. To make it even better, the moment I parked the car Noah got out and slammed the door shut before scurrying off inside without one word said to me. I slowly made my way out of the car and into the house to come face to face with my parents. They were stood in the hallway with their arms crossed and Noah stood behind them. He peered over their shoulders as they scolded me for keeping him out of the house for so long.

Apparently Noah failed to mention that he had another one of his stupid soccer games today, and the fact that he missed it because of me made it seem that I was a terrible sister. So, long story short, I was grounded and sent up to my room where I am currently sulking in my bed, listening to music as it blares through my headphones. A few songs play fully before I pick up my phone to start looking for a specific one. Once I find it, I press play and close my eyes so that I can focus on the lyrics and nothing else.

When all of your flaws and all of my flaws are laid out one by one,

A wonderful part of the mess that we made, we pick ourselves undone.

All of your flaws and all of my flaws they lie there hand in hand,

Ones we've inherited, ones that we learned,

They pass from man to man.

I silently sing along to the words that I've managed to relate to every single time I listen to them. Just as any human being does, I always judge myself and pick out every flaw imaginable. Whether they be physical or emotional flaws, they're always there to make me feel worse about myself. Growing up I always had a hard time with self confidence, mostly because I had braces, terrible skin, and frizzy hair. It became part of my regular routine to scold myself whenever I stared at the reflection staring back at me.

These flaws were like my own personal demons and they were persistent for a very long time. I never thought that I would be able to overcome them, but I managed to do just that due to the help of a certain guy who changed my outlook on myself. He started out as my best friend in middle school, and once we reached high school he became much more than that. He never once failed to make me feel better about myself, which is funny since it was very rare to hear the term beautiful fall from his lips. Even though he barely used that word, he still helped me accept the things I hated most about myself.

Accepting myself was a huge challenge for me and I always thought that I would never be able to repay him for helping me. Little did I know he had some challenges of his own - challenges that he thought nobody could ever help him overcome. He had the mindset where he couldn't help but think that nobody really cared enough to show him the brighter side of these situaions, and somehow I did so without even realizing it.

Altogether there were years of the two of us sticking by each other and aiding each other in whatever difficult situation we were brought into. No matter what happened, all we had to do was turn to the other and we knew immediately that we would be alright in the end. I could've never imagined that someday he would turn away from me and become my worst enemy - a new demon to torment me. All he manages to do these days is taunt me in various ways spanning from confusing flirtation to spinning webs of lies.