So darling, just you shut your pretty mouth [jalex]

There's a buzz in my head From all the things that you said

Sleep on it see you around

There's a buzz in my head
From all the things that you said

//mentions of self harm//

When I was younger I used to be able to block out my thoughts. I would just put music on or maybe a funny video and I would be fine, just for a little bit. I would feel okay. That's why when I was younger I would lock myself away and spend too much time on YouTube. Soon as I woke up until I fell asleep I would be watching videos. Anytime I couldn't be watching videos I would have music on. Music became the backing track of my life when I was forced to live it. As I got older my humour changed and these youtubers who once never failed to put a smile on my face slowly became unappealing. I'm not sure if it's because I'm older or because I'm depressed but now music is what I use. It don't make me laugh and smile like YouTube used to do. Instead it just makes everything hurt a little less.

Before I was depressed I used to read a lot of books. When I was ten it was one of the only things I would do. Now I don't have a attention span long enough to read a book, maybe that's why I grew out of YouTube. I don't have the attention span for it. Music is different. Music don't require my full attention. I can listen to it and do other things but when I want to, when I'm able to, I can properly listen to the music and take it what's been said. I can analyse every lyric. I can hear more than just how it sounds when I'm able to. I don't have to take it in every time I put on a cd, sometimes I can just let it be. It requires no attention.

Maybe the fast pace world of social media destroyed my attention span. Maybe depression did. Either way I no longer have one. I can no longer pay attention in class. I can no longer binge series of tv shows in one sitting. I can no longer do anything that takes more than ten minuets, fifteen if I'm trying hard. That's why I like Netflix so much. I can watch fifteen minutes of a show, go away and do something else, then come back and be in the same place I left off. It's the only way I'm able to watch shows now.

One of the few things my stupidly short attention span seems to ignore is overthinking. I could lay on my bed for hours with my eyes shut just overthinking. It can be about silly things, I could be overthinking about overthinking or overthinking about my short attention span like I am right now. Whatever it's about overthinking is the exception to the rule. Lying on my bed with some music playing too loud while I just think is something I do a lot. It's the reason I'm so pissed off about being suspended, I don't want more time to overthink. I may not do anything in school with my stupidly short attention span but I'm not overthinking as much or for nearly as long.

I can't.

I've spent the last three days overthinking. Just laying here. Thinking. I've thought myself into a slump but I can't stop. This is why I like school. Theirs only two days a week where I can do this and usually my friends tend to force me to go out with them or they come over. When I'm suspended they are in school so they can't.

"Alex." I open my eyes and turn my head, "Your friend is here."

"Who?" I ask my mom.

"The nice boy who bought you inside this week."

"Jack's not my friend."

"Well I'm sending him up." I roll my eyes before staring up at the peeling paint on my ceiling, I don't feel real, I feel like I'm floating, I don't feel as if I have a body, I just exist.

That didn't last long, when Jack comes in my room he throws himself on my bed therefore on top of me, "Hey kitten."

"Get off me." I groan, "And don't call me Kitten."

"Okay." Jack said as he rolls off of me but due to me spreading out in the middle of the single bed he's still half on top of me, I move over to the edge so he had more room, "Hows suspension going?"

"Amazing." I lie, "I haven't left the house in days and I haven't left my room other than to piss or eat."

"You don't smell bad so you must have showered as well."

"I did because Rian and Zack usually come over on the weekend."

"Rian got sick and Zack had to visit his Gran so I came." Despite me giving Jack more room he still decided to squash up against me, he wasn't on top of me anymore but our legs where touching and his hand keep brushing me, okay maybe he wasn't squashed against me but he was still touching me without reason, "Can I see?"

"See what?" I ask.

"These." Jack runs a finger down my arm and I flinch away almost falling off the bed, "You don't have to show me."

"You've already seen them." I mutter.

"Not properly."

"No."

"I'll show you mine." Jack whispered, "I'm pretty fine now but I didn't used to be."

"What?" I turn my head to look him in the eye, I could never imagine Jack to have went though anything I have, "But you're so happy and carefree. You're the most mentally stable person I've ever witnessed."

"Half of it's a act." He shrugged, "I'm pretty well put together now but I still struggle."

"Oh."

Authors note

So I had my interview and I think it went well so here's a double update.

So did you see that thing with Jack happening? How do you think Alex is going to treat Jack now?

Hugs, kisses and peace ✌🏻