So darling, just you shut your pretty mouth [jalex]

It's the same shit just a different day

Makeout crazy

It's the same shit just a different day

//mentions of self harm//

I woke up at four am and threw up in the toilet. I knew for a fact I caught whatever sickness bug Jack had and honestly I'm not complaining. I'd happily get sick because I got to see Jack. My mom on the other hand wasn't so happy, she said it was a stupid ides for me to go Jacks and now I've got sick she thinks it was even dumber. After checking I was fine she stayed as far away from me as possible and told me to wash my hands. I knew my mom or dad didn't want to risk getting sick and missing work and I respected that, I knew if I really needed her help they wouldn't mind but right now I'm fine. I bought this on myself so I should deal with this myself. My mistake I'll own it.

"I left hand sanitizer in your room." She said standing outside the bathroom door, "And a bucket but I'd rather you make it to the bathroom if you can."

"Thanks." I was still leaning over the toilet even though I no longer feel like I'm going to be sick at this exact moment in time.

"I don't understand how you got sick when you only went over to see if he was okay." My mum said, "It's not as if you had any contact right?"

"Yeah totally." I lie.

"Alex?"

"Okay so I got in bed and snuggled with him." I admit wanting to go back to bed now, I'm cold and tired.

"That was seriously dumb Alex." My mom crossed her arms and looked at me in the doorway, "Come get me if you need me."

"Okay."

Once she left I flushed the chain, washed my hands and went back to my room. Maybe it wasn't very smart getting in bed with Jack yesterday but at least now I get to miss school. I could also text Jack all day. I should probably send a message in the group chat just incase somebody's awake, it's unlikely but Zack has the weirdest sleep schedule.

I'm sick and it's all Jack's fault-Alex

Like I expected nobody was awake to talk to me  so I wrapped myself up in my blankets, put my phone on my bedside table face up so I could see any messages coming through and just stared at the wall.

Why does Jack even like me? I'm pathetic and clingy. I got myself sick because I wanted to see Jack, I cancelled therapy because I refused to go without Jack. I slice into my own skin for fun and because I think it's pretty. How fucked up is that? Jack probably thinks I'm screwed up. His scars are hardly noticeable, my lightest ones are worse than his worse ones. He got over how he was feeling, he went therapy without being threatened with hospital. He wanted to get better, he wants me to get better. I don't want to get better. I don't remember a time where I was okay, being not okay is such a big part of my personality I don't know who I would be without it. I don't know what I would feel without it. I would be a empty shell, a shadow of my former self. I don't want that. Jack wouldn't want that either.

Jack wants me to get better but does he know what better even is? I don't. I don't think I'll ever be happy, is being happy what getting better means? Or is getting better being more stable? Is it being more in control? Do I even want that? What does Jack want from me? What does anyone want from me? Why do they all want me to get better? What about what I want? I want everything to stay exactly how it is right now. Right now I'm content.

My phone flashes me alerting me to a message, I scramble to pick it up.

It's not my fault you decided to get in bed with me-Jack

You kissed me-Alex

Only after you basically begged me and started sulking-Jack

Well you got sick so it's your fault-Alex

Course it is-Jack

Are you feeling better?-Alex

A little-Jack

Your texts woke me up this better be important-Zack

Jack made me sick-Alex

Is that it?-Zack

Yh-Alex

You're lucky I like you-Zack

I wish I understood why my friends actually liked me. I'm a freak. They are all so much better than me and could all get much better friends than me. Why would they want to be my friend. Why would Jack want to be my boyfriend? Why do they even care about me? I don't deserve someone as amazing as him. I ignore my flashing phone and shut my eyes. Right now I just feel like sleeping.

Authors note

So I finished this in time thank god. I have a McDonald's interview Monday so I'm excited. I hope I get it because they pay a pound over minimum wage and that's really good. That or I'm super desperate.

Anyway do you think Alex is going to do anything (good or bad) about these toxic thoughts. If so what?

Hugs, kisses and peace ✌🏻