So darling, just you shut your pretty mouth [jalex]

It all keeps adding up I think I'm cracking up

Green day basket case

It all keeps adding up
I think I'm cracking up

I don't like the mall. I don't like walking around aimlessly like zombies watching other zombies buy things they either want or need. I don't care about window shopping or anything of the sorts. I like to go somewhere, find what I want and then buy it. I like to have an aim when I go. I don't want to look around not knowing what I want and then either deciding how much I want it. If I want a cd I'll come to buy a cd and then go. I don't understand the appeal. I guess it could be a nice way to hang out with friends but I'd much rather go the park but this isn't about me. My friends like the mall so that's why I said about it.

They really need to stop baby sitting me. Jack refuses to let go of my hand, I told him I don't like it in public but he said I'd run off otherwise. I'm not a child. I was feeling down and asked a hypothetical question that was all.

I didn't completely hate everything about going to the mall with my friends. I liked to watch my friends do mindless things. Zack and Rian where walking as close together as they could without looking like a couple. Occasionally their hands brush as they walk and they both look at each other and smile.

Jack was obviously able to be more open about his love for me. He rubbed his thumb on the back on my hand whenever he saw something he wanted a closer look at before pulling me over in that direction. When ever we was waiting for Zack and Rian to pay for whatever they wanted he would wrap his arms around me and hug me from behind and just talk to me about how much he loved me. I'm pretty sure he didn't think though any of his words because at first it started saying all the usual things people love about someone but now he's talking about how I have nice fingers.

"What are you on about?" I laugh as Jack starts to kiss my finger tips.

"I love you."

"And I love you." Jack kept touching my fingers, "But for the love of god why are you obsessed with my fingers?"

"Because I'm obsessed with every single part of you including your fingers." I roll my eyes at Jack, "And I wanted to make you smile."

"Why?"Jack stops with my fingers and brushes a few strands of hair out of my face, every time he touches me with them butterfly touches my heart flips and I can't help but crave more, the way he's barely touching my skin drives me crazy.

"Because I love your smile." Jack presses his finger against my lip before I could speak, "And making you happy makes me happy."

"You make me happy." I tell him that causes him to smile now, "You also make me sad."

"How?" Jack asked his smile turning into a confused frown.

"Because I know me being sad makes you sad and you being sad makes me sad." Jack's frown turns into a smaller smile but I could still see sadness in his eyes, I knew he was doing it to try make me happy but the fact I knew that only made me feel guilty, not that I was going to tell him that.

"Well I guess I'll have to make you happy more so you're never sad."

"Then I'll have to be happy more so you're never sad."

"Sounds perfect."

I know that's never going to happen. It's impossible for normal people to be happy all the time so theirs no way I would be able to. I'm just going to have to keep chasing the happy moments with Jack before the guilt and depression catches up and consumes me. That's what's happening right now, it's catching up and consuming me. Whenever I feel like things are going well for a little while it's not long until I fall again. Maybe it's because I'm not trying to heal and instead I'm waiting to see if it happens. I know it's not healthy but that way I avoid disappointment when I inevitably revert back to my old habits again. Jack wraps his arms around my neck and starts playing with the hair on the back of my head.

"Come on lovebirds." Zack said holding a bag in his hand, "We're going to get food."

"What do you want Alex?" Jack asked holding my hand again as we walked out of the shop and towards the food court, it's back to baby sitting again, "Its been hours since we left you must want something now."

"I'm not hungry." I lie, I'm actually starving I just don't want food.

"You have to eat."

"If I want something I'll get it later I promise."

That's a lie. I've been lying to Jack a lot lately about my eating. I've hardly eaten in day and I don't want to worry him about something so small, I just haven't felt like eating even when I'm hungry. I just don't have the energy to chew and swallow the food at the moment. That's all. If I tell Jack he would worry I'm starving myself to loose weight when that's just not true, I don't want to worry Jack and I'm not starving myself to loose weight. I'm not purposely starving myself at all, food just doesn't seem appealing to me right now.

Authors note

Sorry I haven't been doing daily updates. I've just been really down lately and struggling to put my feelings into words. The warped lineup is later and I'm looking at flights to America because if you pause the video at the right time you can see names. I swear to god I saw all time low.

Do you guys think Alex's eating is going to become a problem? Will Alex's first therapy session next week go well?

Hugs, kisses and peace ✌🏻