So darling, just you shut your pretty mouth [jalex]

This is not where I belong You're gonna miss me when I'm gone

Sleeping with sirens better off dead

This is not where I belong
You're gonna miss me when I'm gone

//mentions of suicide//

I want to die. I want to shut my eyes and everything go black. I want to disappear. I don't want heaven. I don't want hell. I don't want anything. I just want to shut my eyes and be gone. I don't want to feel anything. I don't want to be aware of anything. I don't want to be remembered.

Someone once said to me that after you die you're soul only stops existing when nobody remembers you're name. That's why people want to do something to be remembered, that's why people want to be famous or hero's. They want their soul to live on. They want stories to keep their spirit alive. People rely on their friends and family to keep them alive. I suppose that I was told this as a comfort, maybe I was told so I would make a difference in the world in a bid to live on after I die. It didn't work. If anything it made me feel worse. It made me push people away. I don't want to be remembered. When I kill myself I want to die and that be it. Gone. Free.

I hope that isn't what happens. I hope I don't keep existing until my name is forgotten because Jack won't forget, Rian won't forget, Zack won't forget. The people I've beaten up probably won't forget. My parents won't forget. I won't be forgotten and I won't truly die. I want to truly die.

The only reason I haven't killed myself already is because I don't want to hurt anyone. I know with time they will all get over it but I don't want to put them through any pain. Sure they would be better off without me in the long run but knowing short term they would be upset hurts me. Maybe I'm being selfish?

It hurts me to think how much it would hurt my parents, my parents who've done everything they can for me, my parents who let me do stupid shit just because they thought it would help. My parents who let me make my own mistakes and was always their for me to help fix them. My parents who rarely forced me into anything. My parents who let me smoke as long as I don't go overboard. My parents who aren't perfect but try their fucking hardest to make me happy. They do everything for me and both work full time without complain. It would destroy them, at least destroy them temporarily. I couldn't do that. I wouldn't do that.

I know it would hurt everyone if I did it but I don't know how they would actually react. What they would say if I asked.

Hypothetically what would you do if I killed myself?-Alex

Don't-Jack

Hypothetical I promise-Alex

I'm coming over-Zack

I'm coming as well pick me up-Rian

And me-Jack

I swear on my relationship this is a hypothetical question I haven't tried to kms again I just want to know-Alex

I would kill myself-Jack

I'm not kidding it would send me back into a spiral of depression-Jack

Shit-Rian

Im leaving now-Zack

Hypothetical-Alex

Honestly Alex I don't know what I would do but it won't be good-Rian

I wouldn't just be able to get over it with time like you seem to think I will-Rian