I hate myself. you guys should know this by now but I really do. I dont even really have one reason I do, I just absolutely hate me. more than anyone else could even try to. My mom and her boyfriend got upset with me because I messed up something with my dog (which ill talk about in a second) and the while time I was digging my nails into my arm, not I have marks and I think a bruise there but thats not the point. who cares. my moms boyfriend (who I am recently unhappy with, but ill get to that after the dog thing) asked me "why are you depressed all the time" because I make self hating 'jokes' all the time and he said "whats the point in hating yourself tonight?" and I answered "whats the point every night" which led to that. so then he gave me this talk about how all teenagers get like this and of course since im not happy with him I just let the occasional tear fall from my eyes and glared at him. theres just so much I fucking hate about myself and I cant even express it well? the best thing I can think of is when you dont like a food for a texture thing, or a smell thing, you dont get why you hate that particular thing you just do. but in my case the texture thing = personality thing and smell thing = body thing. I hate them both and I dont think ill ever stop.
on to my puppers. so I recently got a dog and he's a puppy, im in high school so most of my time is taken up. im not showing him enough attention or caring enough about him according to my moms boyfriend. I know I fucked up and I feel awful about it to the point where I almost agree with him, I dont deserve him. and I just hate myself for being so stupid. and I love my dog so much even though im a complete fuck up. enough about that im sorry.
My moms boyfriend. I cant stand him anymore. I have to live with him and his kids and they're whiny brats who he recently has been yelling a lot at them recently. iy makes me scared and anxious when he does but who cares about what I think. he frustrates me so much. he treats my mom like crap and she deserves the absolute best, not him, not someone who makes her cry. he thinks he's so high and might, telling me that this is his house, he should be respected as if he was a god. I got mad because he called me rude and ungrateful, two things I definitely am not, mom mother agrees with me. and I told my mom what I thought, only for him to get mad at me for talking to her about how I felt because he should be respected in his own damn house and has a right to know whats going on inside his walls. he listened in on our whole conversation and I wanted to scream. im just so sad and frustrated with everything I feel numb and I want it to go away.
