Generator

L.A, 1998

Talking about waking up from a dream, I feel very weird this morning. It's a hell of weird dream. I don't know what I feel right now. I never imagined this to be injected into my brain. And whatever it was that got me about her before, it's getting worse with this dream. I know exactly it's love, now. This is so weird. I'm not sure if I was in denial back than or just totally retarded. How I didn't see that before and now just after a crazy dream and after she dated my new best friend I suddenly crazy about it. Ridiculous.

And when the dream is over, I'm craving for it. I want to dream about it again. Because when she's out, I wake up firing inside my heart. Facing reality with a mechanic force that keep the dream alive.

One thing that might be the best way to release this feeling is through a song. To write that as a song. I take my notes and guitar with me and sit on a couch. I'm sure everyone still sleeping in their room after yesterday's party. I mean everyone accept her. She's pretty much drank water all night and I can't understand why she went to sleep earlier than those drunk boys. Well, Taylor drank the most, he's probably drunk the shit outta him.

It's my songwriting, it's usually came from music then go to lyrics. But with this one, they came at the same time. It feels natural and more like I'm talking to myself.

Lately I'm getting better
Wish I could stay sick with you
But there's too many egos left to bruise

Call it sin, you can call it whatever
Eating deep inside of you
Well if it were me it's all I'd ever do

Steal me now and forever
I'll steal something good for you
The criminal in me is no one new

Till you find something better
When there's nothing left to use
And everything starts going down on you

I'm the Generator, firing whenever you quit
Yeah whatever it is, you go out and it's on
Yeah can't you hear my motored heart
You're the one that started it

Send me out on a tether
Swing it round I'll spin your noose
You let it down
I'll hang around with you, till you find someone better
When there's no one left to use, and everyone keeps going down

I'm the Generator, firing whenever you quit
Yeah whatever it is, you go out and it's on
Yeah can't you hear my motored heart
You're the one that started it

And as I'm being possessed by a demon, I keep screaming the generator line over and over again until someone scared the shit out of me. "You're early. Writing song?" Shit, it's her. What the hell? It got me more than ever. If I see her normally yesterday and the day before that, it's different now. The dream officially fucked my brain. "Hey umm. Yes. I write down my dream into a song so I wouldn't forget that."
"That's cool. I also have a journal around me so as soon as I wake up, I can write my dreams and read them later."
"Yeah, kinda works that way."
"But yours is a song. That's cool. Tell me about it." How the hell should I explain that? There's no way I will tell her about it. "Sorry but it's not done just yet."
"What are you talking about? I hear te entire song. It's done. Come on, I've been always your listener since when? 4 years ago?"

I've been your listener...

Yeah, she's damn right. Now she reminds me of it, damn I regret not taking the chance any further. "Dave? Please? I like the song already. But it would be great if I know what's it all about." This girl is such a beautiful weirdo. She does act weird in the most good way possible. And she's right, since she's been always my listener, I owe her something. "Alright. So...."
"Take a deep breath."
"You wanna hear or what?"
"Right, sorry." How the hell she can put that straight face all the time? I can't understand. That's one of some reasons that makes her smiles rare and special. She barely show intense emotional gesture. "I..dreamed about this woman. I fantasized her all night, being stupid and totally drown into the picture of her. Inside my dream, we were together. So when I woke up, I feel extremely sad. Because in a real world, I will never get her for myself. It's never been real. I wanna stay in my dream because when she's out.... I mean when I face reality, my heart turns on a mechanic process so the dream still alive inside the reality."
"That's beautiful. And complex. I love that. You should make it into the album. But I have another question."
"What's that?"
"All of that complex story, it's about your imagination woman? Impressive."
"Well, partly."
"Partly?"
"I mean, she's a real person. It's just.. I met her years ago then I didn't notice my feelings for her. Not until now. And now, it's too late." She take a bottle of water and drink it. Now thinking. "Don't take it too hard. It's just a dream." I said to her, I shouldn't tell her any of this. It's stupid. "Hey! Don't say that. Dream is a dream, but it's also your hopes. How about figure something out? I will help you to get her." No way. You know how ridiculous it sounds? She will help me? To get who? Her own self, impossible. Especially with Taylor inside this complicated story. "Why? I helped you back then, I love to help as long as I can."
"No! This is different. You just can't!" I didn't realize that I raised my voice. She looks surprised and her smiling face suddenly disappeared. "I.. I'm so sorry Aubrey." She looks at me, cold. Then she looks at the ceiling. Probably pissed, but I'm not sure. I can't read her face. She stands up and grab her bottle of water. "Why you have to be so defensive? Good luck with your dream then." Now she's leaving, heading back to her room. Taylor's room.

Yeah, good luck with my dream. I need lot of it right now.