Generator

Miss The Misery

L.A, 2011

It's all turn great actually. The album is very good. I mean like literally, it's not a one-sided opinion. Fans, critiques, and us are deeply in love with this record. Some says it might be because of Butch, or the analogue gear, or maybe simply because it's naturally great. The point is, we are happy for the result.

Just to prove the point, we just did another amazing show on Letterman. We all dressed like The Beatles, shot some black and white videos. That's epic. "Honestly it feels weird to play with tux, suit, and else." Taylor is whining over our outfit. I know exactly he wants to take it off. "I swear after a couple of songs you'll remains a white shirt on." Chris looks at him as Taylor keeps touching his outfit. "I put 10 bucks for that." Both me and Nate say it almost at the same time and he ended up laughing.

So we go on show, shot it all and finished it flawlessly. All sweaty and as I said before, Taylor remains just white shirt on. "Where's my 10 bucks?" I say, joking to all of them. They just roll their eyes and Taylor says to me, "Well I'm not going to give anyone my 10 bucks." The funny thing is Pat actually get his wallet and pull 10 bucks. "Woaah. I'm just joking."
"I know. But I actually just returning your money that I bought yesterday." Hearing that, Nate burst out laughing. "Well no one give a shit about our jokes. Especially 'The' Pat Smear."

While we are laughing, and start drinking, I feel my phone ringing so I go outside our room and reach for that inside my pocket. There's a call that I can't recognize from the number. "It's David. Who's this?"
"Dave? Dave, right?" I can't really hear the sound clearly, the line sounds bad. But I can tell it's a woman calling. "Yes, it's me. Do I know you?"
"I'm sorry. This is Clairine." I'm in such shock. I didn't expect her to call me. In any situation. Because I know Aubrey told her to cut all communication with me. "Oh, hey. I'm sorry I didn't recognize your number. I thought we're no longer allowed to have a call again."
"That's what she said, but.. I should obey the promise this time."
"Okay. What's going on?"
"Uh... She might be mad to me to say this but... Would you have time to visit her? Today. I don't think she has much time left."
"What do you mean by that?"
"I mean.. she's been at hospital for 10 weeks and there's no sign of getting better." It's painful to hear. I really take serious my own promise to not seeing her, seems like she does too. But after hearing that? How can I refuse? "Can you tell me her condition?"
"There are tubes around. She's no longer able to talk. The sound of her breathing is terrifying."
"And?"
"She looked sad for these 2 days. I know... Even if she doesn't say anything, deep down she wants to see your face for the last time."

....the last time.... What a worst words to hear. "Umm... You think she's willing to see me?"
"I'm pretty sure. So.... Are you gonna come?"
"Uhm.... Okay. I'll make my time. Can you please send me the location detail? I'll be there tonight. Thank you so much."

Soon after I got a text from her, I go back to to my band mates. They're all having fun and I have no idea how to tell them. "Hey guys. Umm. I need to go somewhere. I think I'll pass tonight."
"Wait, why?" Nate seems disappointed . "Just, an old friend wants to see me."
"Okay. Guys. Dave's need to go." He says to everyone and I just wave to them, leaving as soon as possible.

It's actually just an hour driving, I'm kinda drunk but I think I can handle it. It's important not to show up to Clairine with alcohol drawn on my face.

When I reach the hospital, I kinda shocked that it's real. I mean... I enter a hospital to see her dying and it just snapped me on my back. And so weird on how calm I am, and feel a heartbreak at the same time. Just like...this is it. It might be our last encounter.

I walk slowly, times flying fast but I walk very slowly into the corridor, I see Clairine on the corner of my eyes. She's sitting in front of a room. "Dave?" She quickly stand up as I reach her spot. "Hey. So.. can I see her?"
"Umm. 30 minutes more and the doctor will let us in." She leads me to a watching glass where we see her laying there with all tubes and shit. I can't believe I actually seeing her like this. Now I know exactly what she meant about doesn't want people to see her dying. She looked weak. For her whole life, she's trying to be strong despite of her medical condition. And I understand why she hates this, because now she can't even control her own body. That's just sad.

"She really doesn't have any chance? I mean, if we need to bring her to a better doctor, or hospital, I'm willing to help."
"No.. no chance at all. It's far too late. I hate it to remember that I let her skip the treatment. But I can't do anything. She really hate to be on hospital bed as well."
"You did your best.. we all know what's gonna happen. It's just... I didn't expect that to happen like right now. I keep extending my expectation. But she's running out of time."
"I know... That's why I ask you to come. At least I want her to go without no regrets. To see your face one more time." I can't believe I start to cry after convincing myself so hard not to do that. But like I said, it's really calming here. Something about her laying there is kinda....odd. Yet very peaceful.

"It's time. You can go in there." Clairine check the clock and tell me to go. "You're not coming in?"
"No Dave. I'm staying here.  Go see her." I nodded and so I open the door and step in. Seems like she's asleep as well, so I sit down and take my time to looking at her. She's more pale than ever, her black hair is longer than the last time and it falls down her head flawlessly.

Just after I thought I'm gonna sit there all day and doing nothing, she open her eyes. And I swear her eyes widened like she doesn't expect me to be there. "Hey... It's me.. I'm sorry that you gotta see my face again." She gives no response but she reaches my fingers and tap on it. So I just smile. "Umm... Since you choose on tapping my fingers. I think we can talk that way." I take a deep breath, trying to break the ice, smiling. "If it's a yes, tap my thumb, if it's a no, tap the middle fingers." I can see her slightly smile through the corner of her mouth. "Yeah, I know... It's the middle finger so it's a no." I giggles a little bit and her smile becomes visible.

"So... How are you? Fine?" She tap my thumb just like I expected. But then she touch my hand again, pointing at me and make a drinking gesture. "Oh, me? Umm. Yeah I was drinking before I get here. We have a release party." She then rolls her eyes. "I know.. I didn't drink much. Just a couple.." I try to giggles but then I see her eyes kinda hold some kind of pain. "You hurt?" She tap on my middle finger softly. Still won't admit that she's not really fine right now.

"Aubrey.. I might already said this a couple times but.... I want you to know that I love you. I'm sorry for what I've done..." And then she tap on my middle finger again. "What?" Out of my expectation, she raise her hand and put her palm on my cheek. And then going to my chest, right on my heart. After that she move her hand to her own chest, right on her heart also.

"You love me too?" Rather than tap on my finger, she hold my thumb. "Since when?" She make a gesture of playing a guitar. "Since the day I broke my leg?" She's holding my thumb again. "Like all this time? You really did wait for me to came back for you? But I didn't... I didn't.." This time I'm no longer able to hold my tears. "Aubrey..." When I'm about to say another words, I see her close her eyes, this time smiling.

"Times up Dave, it's time for her to get sleep again." Clairine open the door and let me know that the doctor ask me to step out. So I go kiss her forehead before I get out from the room.

"She's happy to see you. I can see that..." Clairine slightly smile a bit. "You think so?"
"Yes. She never smile since she got here."
"If that's so, I should come here frequently. Maybe she'll getting better."
"I'm truly wishing that to happen."

"Okay... So.. I have to go now. It's late and my family must be waiting me to go home. But I'll come tomorrow, or the day after. I promise." It's hard for me to leave, but I know if Aubrey can talk, she will definitely tell me to go home right now and spend my time with Jordyn and kids. "Take care Dave."
"You too Clairine. Thanks for letting me to see her."
"No, thank you Dave." She says, and then I smile to her and walk out from the building. For the first time, I feel sad but not bad about her. It doesn't like those times when I really upset whenever I have to leave her. This time I really think about my family. I understand why Aubrey was always so hard on me about that.