Tears of a Clown

17

In the black community common issues like anxiety and depression were seen as weaknesses. For some odd reason black folk were deemed superhuman, and needed nothing more than a TV show or movie to tackle any issue they were battling. The phrase 'what happens in this house, stays in this house' may as well have been a mantra the way it was drilled into the heads of little black children.

What happens when Uncle Joe plays the touching game with little James and his sister Jamie? What about when they are getting bullied in school and told to toughen up, because kids will be kids?

Those were things Olivia was fortunate enough to not have to deal with.

While her grandparents were more on that secretive conservative side, Anita was sure to teach Olivia her no-no spots. She would always ask Olivia if she had any secrets to tell when she returned from anyone's home, and she also taught her that it was not ok for any man to bathe her other than her father, and even Oliver left that part to the women.

Leaving her therapy session Olivia felt a little lighter than she did going in. Although she wanted to live life to the fullest and be open to love, Liv was broken.

She didn't expect any man to be careful with her heart when her own parents were responsible for breaking it. Love was scary to Olivia. Look where love got her mom. Liv didn't doubt Oliver's love for Anita, but seeing him with Christy was seeing a different side of him. He laughed more, relaxed, and hardly ever raised his voice. That had to be a punch to Anita's gut cause all she ever got was 'not now Nita,' or the infamous 'I'm too tired tonight, maybe we can do something tomorrow.' Never the quality family time that was needed.

"So you're really seeing someone huh?" Oliver asked, walking up behind Olivia. Sometimes he'd attend sessions with her.

"I wouldn't call it that, but we have a good time together." Olivia voiced, walking beside her father towards the garage that held their cars.

Olivia expressed to her doctor how someone was interested in her but she didn't think it would be wise to entertain him in that manner. Oliver on the other hand was ecstatic and wanted nothing more for Olivia. He prayed his little girl learned how to give and receive love.

Oliver sighed lightly. "Olivia-Kai, it's ok for you to let your guard down and allow people in."

Olivia halted her steps and looked up at her dad.

"Is it?"

"It is Livy. I know that we've been through... A lot, but you can't dwell on the past. We have to accept whats happened and move on with our lives. Don't let one mishap make you miserable. You're a beautiful young woman Liv, allow someone to love you."

"Like you loved mom?" Olivia frowned. If that's what he called love, she wanted no parts.

"No, like I love you. You were too young to remember, but your mother and I had problems long before that night. Did I love her? Yes. Do I regret doing what I did to lead her to that point? Hell yes. But I won't lie and say I regret it. As messed up as it sounds, had I not done what I did, there would probably be no more you Olivia. I apologize for what it's done to you, but I'm not sorry for saving your life."

Olivia nodded in understanding. She knew that was a tough spot to be in, but she just wanted her dad to acknowledge how losing her mom in that manner affected her.

Oliver looked down and grabbed Olivia's hands.

"I sincerely apologize Livy. I know I didn't properly handle you afterwards, but I thought that the therapist could do a better job of that than I could. I messed up. Don't ever feel like I didn't care... Because I did. I was just so focused on being like my old man and having that ideal woman, and I... I messed up. I'm just as much, if not more to blame as Anita. Just don't let my mistakes form your opinion on every other man. Your mom and I were young when we got together. I was so in love with her in the beginning, but I don't think we would have gotten married if she wasn't pregnant. We were just kids Livy. We hadn't experienced anything outside of one another before taking that step. It was puppy love. Once I started seeing other women," Oliver sighed. "I realized it was just lust."