We Think We Know You [Ran-Dumb Book]

💭 My Moonlight [late 07 May 2018]

The title won't make any sense unless you know an abstract reference. I'm just going to inform you now.

The purpose of this post is to say something very simple yet complicate it's explanation to it's fullest (that's a GT thing). How do I do that? With a story:

Disclaimer: this is a paraphrased story that I feel explains my point. The exact scenario and names have been changed to protect the innocent.

If anyone knows me well (they don't), then they'd know that I quality-check manga occasionally for a scanlation group that focuses primarily on the detective genre in the Japanese comic world.

Now this group used to scanlate what is now one of the most popular manga to have ever existed within the last two or three decades. Merely based on these two facts, I'm sure someone could deduce the series.

Anyway, so this group has a Discord server (way more fancy than GD's server) dedicated to that series. And it started out rather quiet with a modest amount of regular individuals. The daily message rate for the general chat was maybe 100 messages tops.

Then, community figures of other scanlation groups, experts on the series, etc. (one guy even writes for the Wikipedia page apparently) entered this relatively quiet server. Because of this, the server size grew to a bustling hub of activity because of these influential people existing in the server.

Later, some events transpire regarding how administration was carried out. I don't want to get into the details, but, eventually, many of the more influential members were not satisfied on how the server was being handled.

In the end, they asked the current head to step down and let another person take the head. The current head refused. Tensions flared, words were said, and eventually it all snapped.

The unrested members decided to split apart and make their own group. Thus, they made a new server, abandoned the old server, and moved the bustling hub of activity elsewhere. The old server became the more mellow haven it used to be.

In the end, there's a lot of childish drama from grown adults. People were forced to take sides. Everything that was once together crumbled apart into a schism of the scanlators. To this date, each side has bad blood with the other and prefer to not talk about the whole ordeal.

It sounds like something out of a movie. And I kinda wish it was. But it's not. It's a simplified version of the whole events that transpired.

I mean, if you really wanna dig it all up, there are multiple statements and documents from both sides explaining themselves.

Now what does this all mean? What is GT trying to say from all this?

Simply put, from my own self-reflecting, I feel like my presence is potentially a hindrance on the growth of GenerationsDebut.

I feel like my past mistakes here on Wattpad may have caused a stunt in the growth of the account. Since GT is the leader, his mere existence troubles it.

I admit it. I've made multiple mistakes. Some worse than others. I've caused people to dislike me.

But what can I do? Once you're branded with the black-and-white belief of good and evil, it's difficult, if not improbable, to shed it. You can do all you can to try to make up for what you've done. But, in the end, does it affect anything? Will anyone change their opinion?

Is it already too late?

I've tried asking people what they think. Most are neutral. A few are positive. A few are negative. One person (who shall remain anonymous) thought I was fishing for compliments.

I just want to say that there's more to me than a black-and-white existence. There's that gray area as well, where it's difficult to discern whether something is truly right or truly wrong.

I can't change how I am....just how I do things.

People say that actions speak louder than words. And I can agree with that.

But it doesn't matter how loud you are if that person refuses to listen.

For awhile now, I feel like I've been stuck in a hole that I'm desperately trying to climb out of. And every time I make a rush upward, something happens, gravity takes over, and I slide back down again.

People even say not to concern yourself with what others think. But sometimes, especially in a figurehead position, what others think is important. It's very important. The existence of what you stand for depends on it.

And what if you being there brings it down?

I know I'm going to get a bunch of people saying that my anxiety is stupid. It's nothing I should be worrying about.

But I can't help it. GD is like a child to me. And what if me being there is hindering it from flourishing?

For the better of it, I'd step down if I had to. I wouldn't cause a rift between it like in my story. There's a reason why I'm a co-founder of the group. I had a feeling that maybe, one day, all my mistakes that just can't be forgiven would catch up to me and inevitably punish me in a way I can't patch easily.

So, as an eject button, I'd have a second person to take over as head. Just in case. Just in case what I've done is a mark that will never go away.

Believe me, I try. I try all the time to try to make up for what I've done. But I just can help but wonder...is it enough? Will it ever be enough? Or will I forever be in that hole that I can't escape from?

I made a group that has a goal of instilling confidence in lesser known or underappreciated works and their authors. And yet here I am, my confidence wavering, as I'm tormented by the thoughts of shackles. It's just plain pathetic.

And I ask if everyone else will be satisfied with what I do and have done. But I also wonder...will I ever be satisfied? Will I ever feel like I've climbed out of the hole?

I just don't know. I just. Don't know. I try to think of everything. But now, I can't. I can't think. I'm racked my brains for weeks on end. And I can't. I just can't.

Will I ever be welcomed with open arms? And will I be able to take the steps to those arms once they're open? I don't know.

Anyway, that's the reason behind a few people getting an out-of-the-blue message or question from me: my pathetic being.

You may I think I'm beating myself on purpose for some sympathy or something. But I'm not. Sleepless nights, warped poetry, and forced smiles are the symptoms of it.

There's a reason why the title of this book is We Think We Know You. Maybe this post will shed a little (moon)light on that.

-GT (a concerned co-founder)