Everyone Breaks 3

16. Give em What They Want

2 days have past & I can still mentally taste Lucas fluids in my mouth & manhood on my chest. He still watches me like a hawk, but he's gotten his wish- I don't talk to him, when I can help it. He tries to act like nothing is wrong & nothing happened. Like it's just another normal day. I can't even decide if what he did is considered rape or simply assault. I woke up that day in the nursery, of all places. Somehow the bastard picked me up & placed me in the chair. He even covered me with a blanket, like he gave a crap. He actually wiped my face too, from what shot I felt shoot on it that night. I brushed & washed my mouth out 6 times that night. I even scrubbed my chest until it was burning .

I had woken up with a headache after he finished & drugged me. I still don't know which bed he took me too, which is just another issue to wonder about on my list of things. I wanted to stab him with something... anything. In fact, yesterday I tried to stab him in the neck with a pen I found in the guest room & he saw it coming from a mile away. He just kept pushing me like he was trying to start something. I was surprised I let my anger get the best of me.

What was I thinking trying to stab mr. Big with a pen. It was just a lapse in my logical thinking, that's what it was. I dont have it in me to kill anyone, no matter how much I think about it. He laughed & commented that stronger men have tried. I guess in his jail bird days maybe.

"I'll be nice to you & not let the guys know you were trying to shank me. I'm sure Pav wouldn't be happy with you attempting to stab his old friend, & you really deserved your punishment for that mouth of yours too" he replied. I guess that was a good thing he kept quiet about it. I forgot that little datail Willem said about being good if I wanted to video chat with my mom for Thanksgiving.

I haven't said more then 5 words to Lucas since the assault. I just dont want a repeat offense against me. I hope he's gotten it out of his system. I've decided to not harp on it anymore..well the best I could, since it might drive me crazy if I do. I mean he pissed me off, but there's nothing I can really do about it.

I have bigger things to worry about anyway. Like the fact that Warren still hasn't talked to me since before I came back & Pav is planned to come home tomorrow. I have this big fear that the guys are just waiting til Pav gets home, to punish me.

But yes. I know their rules as far as Lucas goes. He didn't physically scar me. He didn't beat me up either. That means there's no point in telling the guys. They wouldn't do anything, I know it. It would just be something embarrassing to tell any of them, because I know whoever I told would tell the rest of them. One of the perks of working for them, I've learned is you get to use & abuse. I learned that in the Texas house.

On the bright side of things, Mila came through for me. I can honestly say I was scared, since there was a definite possibility that she could rat me out. She brought me enough pills for 1 month, depending on how often they sleep with me, & some herbs & produce that are supposedly going to help. I wont hold my breath on those though. This whole thing is ridiculous. I feel like I'm back in the 1800s in a country, where contraception is illegal or something. All the sneaking around stresses me out. But not as much as the thought of them all wanting to be my babies daddy. I dont really think they want to have kids with me for love. I think it's all about trapping me in a life of not wanting to leave kids behind. But I dont really know. Maybe they are crazy enough to think it's a good idea & they like me that much. I cant read their minds.

Mila also bought me 2 pregnancy test. I'm 99 percent sure she doesnt know what happened last time I kept a test from them. I dont think she would've done it, if she knew because that would definitely be going against her family.

I layed in Willems bed staring up in the dark. It was around 3am & I couldn't sleep. As stupid as it is, I couldn't get Warrent off my mind. I miss how his stupidity childish ways made me laugh. Ideas twirled around my head about how to get things back to how they were with him. How can someone stay mad for so long, when the issue wasn't even about them.