Everyone Breaks 3

26. Trusted Hearts

(Cant remember if I used this some before, but I like it, so I'm not too worried. A drop in the ocean 😊😇^^^)
____________________________________________

When I was young, I thought of myself as very optimistic. I would trust any and everybody, until they messed with that trust. My lovely sheltered life. My mom told me once that I would go to strangers, as a baby, if they reached their arms out to me. When I was a teenager,  I went through a time in life where I trusted no ones unknown intentions. The pessimist in me shown through like a spotlight on a dark moonless night. Mostly from a broken heart, fake friends and users.

It took me awhile to trust people whole heartedly again. I mean, it was a personal battle that was way less dramatic then I made it out to be in those days. After more broken hearts, I began to trust again in my 20s. I realised I couldn't go through my life second guessing people all the time, it took some of the joy out of life and it was slightly exhausting.

I built up the confidence in myself, and I didn't really look back. It turned out pretty well for me- Don't trust the shady man outside the store, trust those that show they can be trusted after you get to know them a bit. I guess I've been pretty blessed in my trusting nature, until these guys came into my life. My life has still been more optimist then pessimist. From the moment I was betrayed,  it's like the battle within me to think there was good in people, changed. They made me second guess almost everyone, even when I was free from them in Utah, I wasn't really free.

Yes they have been kind to me lately,  but that doesn't erase all the bad things they've done to me. Even Warren, dear ol sweet immature acting Warren, has me second guessing him and that actually makes me sad. I want to trust him with my heart completely as a friend and maybe more,  but I'd be a fool to fall completely after my history with his brother and cousins.

My mind tends to forget some of the bad things that have happened to me. It tries to see kindness as some type of eraser of the wrong. For some reason part of those hurt memories tend to rise back up in the middle of the night. Something about the darkness that pulls the pain to the light. It doesnt happen all the time, but it still happens, mostly after a great day.

Warren's gift to me, made me so happy. Seeing all those things from my old home reminded me of a life that seems so far behind me, that it must've just been a dream. It was actually the sweetest thing, in my opinion, that any of them have ever done for me and that's actually pretty sad, when I think about it.

I mean, to think that the nicest thing that's happened to me here, is someone giving me back part of something that was already mine, but was taken away by them is a confusing feeling. Warren didn't take it, but he's in the same family boat as them. I really don't know how to feel deep down about him or Mila. They stick with their family overall, but try to treat me like a human being and twist things around to help me and still make them feel loyal.

I mean when I wanted to give up and die in the dark cold shed, Warren went against his family to come out and keep me company and warm. It really did help me. Mila actually snuck me birth control and took me out of the house without permission to show me some normality. I have to take that into consideration with my other thoughts... So many other thoughts.

I slept in Willems bed last night. It wasn't by choice, but it wasn't as horrible as it could've been. He didn't even make me have sex with him, just kissing and him feeling on me. I didn't get lost in his kiss like with Zac, I wondered if he could tell. I mean, don't know if it's because he's been screwing a lot of women and he's tired, or if it was just him trying to be nice and keep up his game I know he must be trying to play. It has to be a game because I cant see him actually having real honest feelings for me. It's hard to keep my thoughts straight on these matters.