What It Feels Like (a boyxboy)

Tomatoes!

Leo

It has been an entire week since I hung out at Sam's house. An entire week since he told me about why he can't swim. An entire week since I've been scolding myself for taking him to my fucking swim meet. I took this boy, whose dead olympian father gave up swimming, and whose own brother literally drowned, to a swim meet.

I've felt so terrible that I've avoided him all week. I don't usually avoid people like this. I'm a talker, confrontational, easygoing...why around this Sam boy am I a complete idiot? He assured me he still wants me to teach him to swim, but I'm nervous about what that means. Is he going to be okay? Like...fuck...I've never experienced any type of trauma like that...I don't know anything about what he's gone through? What if I fuck something up and just make everything worse for him? I can't imagine how much pain he must have gone through...and is still going through.

I decide to go outside and swim a few laps to get this uneasiness out of my head. I feel so bad about avoiding Sam, but I just feel like I'm going ot hurt him if I talk to him. Swimming, ironically, will he help me calm down.

Every time I go under, I get so lost in the feeling and sound of the water. I feel like the water works with me when I'm swimming...like I'm part of it. Yeah, okay this sounds like some pretentious bullshit, but coursing through the water really does transport me into another world. It slows everything down and clears my head...exactly what I need right now.

I don't know how long I've been in the pool, but when I get out, my fingers look like a wrinkly shirt I've pulled out from the back of my drawer.

"Honey are you alright?" My moms voice startles me. I turn around to see her sticking her head through the sliding glass door.

"Yeah, just doing some laps," I reply and stand up from the side of the pool.

"You've been in there for two and a half hours, Leo." I can't tell if my Mom's voice is written with concern or annoyance. Probably the latter.

"Oops," I shrug.

Lily is currently squirming in my mothers arms and starting to fuss. Scotty comes up to ask my mom a question and I can tell she's tired.

"Mom!" Sarah's voice sounds as she rounds the corner from the other side of the house. "Cameron and Cason arent leaving me alone! Can you please get them!"

"I said I was coming, Sarah. Please be patient," my mother sighs.

Lily starts to full-on cry, and I let out a sigh of my own, realizing I should probably help my mother. I've had time to myself for too long, I guess.

"Here, mom," I say, stepping over to the door to take Lily from her arms.

"Thanks, sweetie," my mom smiles.

I sit down with Lily on a lounge chair near the pool. She immediately stops crying and begins grabbing at my face. I can't explain why she loves playing with my fucking face, but the little shit will try to put her hands in my mouth and grab my nose...or take my glasses off...It's our thing I guess. She doesn't do this to anyone else, I guess I'm the special one...I'm totally her favorite.

I chill out with Lily for a little while until I hear a little voice calling me from a distance. Timmy.

"What do you need, Timmy?" I shout back.

"You have to come see this," he practically squeals.

"Can you just come over here by the pool? I'm holding Lily." I really don't feel like getting up. The aching from the laps I just did is beginning to set in. Sometimes I unintentionally overwork myself when I'm stressed or something.

"No, you have to come over here! I'm with Sammy!"

Ah shit. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

You know, what? I'm gonna have to face this shit at some point. Might as well put my balls back on and figure it out now.

I stand up and take a deep breath. I look like a mess right now, still in my wet swim trunks...but oh well. There's no backing out now. After I step through the gate around the pool, I turn the corner to face Sam's yard. And there he is.

Timmy is on his knees looking at what I'm guessing is...a garden? And Sam is kneeling next to him, pointing out some sort of plant. Sam looks really cute, fuck. He's wearing just a black t-shirt and athletic shorts, but even in that he looks good. Especially with his currently dissheveled hair. Dammit. Fuck. I notice my heart is racing more than usual, and I'm getting worried. I cannot seriously crush on Sam. I do not have the emotional energy to fall for a straight boy. I can't.

As I approach the two of them, Timmy notices I'm coming and he waves me over. Sam looks up and gives me a small wave and- fuck am I blushing? I'm totally blushing. Shit shit shit shit shit.

"Hey dude," I say to Sam. I've found that using the word "dude" helps hide my gayness- I cannot be obvious with this crush I'm suddenly forming. Usually I'm totally okay with openly sharing the fact that I am bisexual, I have no shame, everyone knows. But for some reason, I really don't want Sam to know this information. It might lead him to realize I might be attracted to him...and we all know that is every straight boy's worst nightmare.

"Leo! You have to see this," Timmy gestures towards a plant. He looks up at me, waiting for some sort of response. "SAMMY IS GROWING A TOMATO!" Timmy loses it and jumps up like he's made a groundbreaking scientific fucking discovery. "YOU DON'T HAVE TO GO TO THE GROCERY STORE! IT'S ALL FREE, right Sammy?"

Sam looks at him, clearly amused. "Yep," Sam says. "It's all free."

"Wow," Timmy sighs, looking in awe at the small tomato growing on the plant. "We need to tell mom."

"Don't worry, I'll let her know as soon as I can," I assure Timmy. While all this is going on, Lily is babbling like crazy in response to Timmy's excitement. It's really funny, I must admit.

I sit down on the other side of Sam with Lily in my lap. "I'm so sorry," I whisper to Sam, reffering to Timmy's actions.

"I don't mind," Sam blushes, looking away. I realize I sat down sort of close to him. Oops. "He's just helping me water the garden."

"You better be careful though, he might try to steal your Tomatoes now," I joke, nudging Sam's shoulder playfully.

"That's alright, we have plenty to go around," Sam laughs. As I look at him, I can't help but feel guilty for avoiding him all week. Shit. I can do this, I won't fuck anything up. I'm gonna teach him how to fucking swim, I'm gonna help him.

Lily is now trying to fight her way out of my lap. The little shit loves to move. She can crawl at what I'm sure is a record-breaking speed. When I let her go, she immediately crawls into Sam's lap.

"Lily! Sorry, Sam," I apologize, taking Lily off of him.

"It's alright," Sam smiles. And Lily smiles right back, her two bottom teeth peeking through.

Sam waves and she cooes, clapping her hands together. He lets out a giggle cuter than Lily's.