What It Feels Like (a boyxboy)

kiss. kiss?

AUTHORS NOTE..... WARNING: In this chapter, there are some themes regarding mental illness like depression/bipolar disorder/mood disorders for the first few paragraphs. It is very brief- nothing graphic, but if the mention of those things may be triggering or upsetting to you, read at your own risk:) Also, thank you guys for reading. I'm excited to continue sharing Sam and Leo's journey with you. I'd love if you'd guys comment or vote just to let me know what you think so far. I'm really focused on getting people engaged in my book, even if it's just a few! If you're reading this, THANK YOU! I promise I won't disappoint :)

-m

Sam

My mom used to manage herself well. She used to live without being pinned down by it. After my Dad died it got worse. After my brother died it got worse.

I don't like to think about how I sometimes almost hate my mom when she goes through these bad stages. I know...I know it's not her fault. But it just feels like she's becoming someone she isn't. Not having family to emotionally rely on is harder than it looks.

Today I came home from work to find my mom laying on the couch. It's Thursday- she should be at work. She wouldn't talk to me when I asked if she was alright. It's not like I had to, though. Because I knew right away she hit her next episode. I should've seen it coming, honestly. The past few weeks with her cookie-baking and cheerful time spent with me was all part of this hypomania. So superficial. But today we enter the long dark tunnel.

"Mom," I plead. "You should at least drink something."

"Sam," my mom sighs, sitting up a little. "I just need...I don't know." She rubs her bloodshot eyes. "I'm going to bed, alright?"

"Okay," I give up, making my way to my room to change out of these work clothes.

As I walk through my doorway, I look towards the window out of habit- just to see if Leo's out in the backyard or the pool. As I'm reminded of him, my heart warms a little.

Before I got hit with the discovery of my mother's current state, my mood was great. The past few days went really well. Although...even though the burden of anxiety for my mom's health is back, it doesn't ruin my satisfaction about last night.

This morning Dara came by to visit me at work, which was nice. I know she only did because she was on her way to the nail salon next door and she had to wait for a spot since they were busy. But still, it was nice of her. I don't think Dara and Michael understand even after knowing one another our whole lives, how much it means to me when they spend time with me. I try not to take them for granted.

I told Dara about how my mom wasn't doing well, but I think she's tired of hearing me complain about it. She just tells me how going to college is going to fix everything because I "won't have to deal with her and all that shit." But me going to college is obviously not fixing the problem, it's just me leaving it behind. I don't think Dara understands that I care about my mom's wellbeing, not just how it affects me. Dara also has a hard time understanding how illnesses like these aren't a choice- my mom isn't just being a bitch or something- she's in seriously bad health.

Instead of dwelling on these depressing issues, I lay down on my bed and focus on what is about to go down tomorrow night. Because Leo invited me to a freaking party. I am literally laughing at myself- because I hate parties. It's so unlike me. I'm so scared to go. But I'm also shaking in anticipation just thinking about it...because...Leo. That was enough for me to say yes. I'm gonna make a complete idiot out of myself like I do every moment I'm in his presence, but I'm giving into my infatuation for him. I shouldn't give in, because I'm going to be left disappointed no matter what. But I am so weak. I am so weak.