What It Feels Like (a boyxboy)

don't have the guts

Leo

   "Sam?" I knock on the door with shaky hands, my heart racing.

   I can hear him breathing heavily, but he isn't responding. I don't know what to do. I'm worried, but I don't want to invade his privacy. I'm not sure if I'm a good enough of a bro for that yet.

    But at the sound of a little sniffle, all my hesitation fades away. I push open the door, concern filling up my insides. Sam is leaning over the sink, his elbows resting on the counter. He's wearing a long necklace that dangles as he leans.

    Sam looks up, his eyes a little red and puffy. "Sam," I begin, my voice almost at a whisper. "You alright, man?"

   I step into the bathroom the whole way and close the door behind me. Sam stands up straight, looking completely mortified.

   "I'm sorry. I'm fine, I just...sorry." He takes a deep breath, stumbling back onto the closed toilet seat.

   "Sam, it's all good," I assure. I sound extremely casual and ridiculous, but I don't know what else to do or say. I've never dealt with any shit like this before.

    I start to reach towards him, but decide not to touch him just in case that would be bothersome. Or weird. But Sam stands back up anyway, looking about as cautious and hesitant as I am.

   "I'm really sorry," he whispers.

   "Sam, don't be sorry." I feel so guilty. I should never have gotten him into this uncomfortable situation, I didn't think it would be such a big deal. And I don't really understand why it's such a big deal and why he's so distraught. "What's wrong?"

   For a second, Sam looks up at me like I've just asked the most idiotic question, but his face falls back into a neutral expression. "I think I'm gonna go home," he says. "I'm gonna ask my mom to come pick me up."

   What? Did I do something?

   "Wait, Sam," I sputter. "No, I can take you home...but," I stop for a moment, unsure of what to say. "But, what's wrong? Is there something else wrong?"

   I must sound like a complete jackass right now, shit.

   "I'm just sort of really anxious," Sam says quickly, squeezing his eyes shut for a moment.

   "Why?" My voice comes out soft. I feel so, so bad.

   "Um," Sam's face goes a brighter shade of red. "That game?"

   I know that. I just don't understand why he's freaking out this much about a stupid party game. It doesn't matter though...because he's clearly upset, and there's a strange knot in my stomach forming out of guilt.

   "Oh," I reply. "We shouldn't have played, I'm sorry."

    "No, I didn't want to stop you from having fun and stuff. I thought I would be fine, but then it got to my turn and I never-" Sam stops his rambling mid-sentence, looking down at his feet.

    "Never what?"

    "I have never kissed a person before," Sam says shyly, his face going redder than ever before.

   I can't help but find him so incredibly cute in this moment. I also can't help but find myself so incredibly confused: how has this boy never been kissed? Usually, if I were to stumble upon a moment like this, I would take the opportunity to be all romantic and give him a smooch. But with Sam, not only is he no doubt a heterosexual, but something about him makes me very nervous and insecure- I don't have the guts for it around Sam.

   "Oh," I reply dumbly again. I think I feel my face warming a bit too. What the hell is wrong with me? Sam doesn't say anything else for a moment or two. And because I'm so ridiculous, I find myself roaming into dangerous territory, "Why not?"

   Sam's face is still flushed. He mostly avoids eye contact with me, but he briefly looks up in response to my question, almost in disbelief. "Um. No one really looks at me in that way, I guess?" He lets out a sad laugh, and it breaks my heart. If only he knew how strongly I feel about him, in a way that is confusing to myself.

   "Well that's not true," I smile. I need to be careful, the urge to flirt right now is at a dangerous high.

   Sam cocks his head.

    "Dude," I say. "There were so many girls eyeing you up tonight." And I'm not lying, there were some girls who obviously noticed his adorableness.

   Sam's face flushes again, and he shakes his head.

   "I'm serious!" I playfully punch his upper arm, trying to lighten the mood.

   "Okay. But I really think I need to go home," Sam says, his voice falling again. I just want to hug him tight.

   "Alrighty, then let's go," I say kindly, moving to open the door.

   "You really don't have to leave with me, Leo. My mom can come get me."

   "Nah, I'm not really feeling it anymore either," I tell him, grabbing his wrist unexpectedly. I pull him out the bathroom door with me. The skin on his wrist is soft... and I don't know why holding onto it is making me tingle so much.

   We make it back out to the car without having to say goodbye to anyone. For a second I feel bad not saying goodbye to Kat or Ryan, but Sam is currently more important.

   "I'm really sorry," Sam speaks for the first time since leaving the bathroom. "I didn't mean to ruin the night for you."

   "Hey," I say, ignoring the urge to touch his arm in reassurance. "Don't worry about it. At all."

Sam looks like he's going to cry. He's been looking that way this whole time...the whole silent ride home.