What It Feels Like (a boyxboy)

touchdown

Sam

My hands are shaking aggressively and my heart is pounding against my chest. This feeling is getting quite old.

"Dude, you need to calm down. It's gonna be alright," Dylan assures me. We are tossing a football back and forth and I am catching it about 50% of the time.

"I just am freaking out okay," I sigh.

"It's like this," Dylan holds the football to his chest. "I'm you, and you're Leo. The ball is feelings, a touchdown is friendship. If I'm carrying this ball as the quarterback and I don't throw it to my receiver, you, I'm gonna get fucking crushed by the other team. Me and the ball are fucked. But if I share the ball," he throws it and makes it glide perfectly into my grasp. "You can run it to the endzone, and we get a touchdown."

"Okay," I answer, trying to process his analogy.

"Basically," he explains, "there are plenty of plays in a football game. You don't just try one time and give up. The receiver doesn't catch it? Well, run the play again."

------------------------------------------

"Hey," I say, greeting Leo as I open the door for him.

"Hey Sam," he smiles softly.

I noticed Leo has changed clothes, now wearing a soft red sweater and pajama pants. I wish he would embrace me in a giant hug right now. 

"Your room is really cozy," Leo remarks as he takes a seat on my bed. 

"Thanks. I'm trying to make it feel homey." I sit down next to Leo, and he scoots closer to me. His arm barely touching mine. My body fills with warmth. 

"So," Leo looks at me directly and I look down naturally. "Is your mom doing alright?"

The question sends a chill through my body. "I think so. I haven't talked to her much. My aunt only knows so much, but she's just still going through rehab."

"Well, I'm glad things seem to be on track for her I guess," Leo smile sympathetically. 

"It's just been hard, my family has just kind of disintegrated. I just need to adjust." And it's the truth. I just wish I could treat Leo as family without having such intense unrequited feelings for him. I almost regret having him over here right now, all the feelings are a million times stronger.

"You know, Sam," Leo put a hand on my shoulder, "I can be your family. My whole family can be your family. We all love you."

My heart stops. We all love you. Does that mean he loves me? I know he doesn't mean it romantically, but just hearing that sends me into a pit of joy. 

"Thank you, Leo. I appreciate it. I know I should just reach out to you."

"I'll hang out with you every day, I will be here for you...not just because I want you to feel better but because you're a great friend and a great person." 

I feel like crying right now, for many reasons: good and bad. Leo gives me a sort of "bro" side hug, and even though it's kinda annoying, he's touching me. 

"Do you want to watch a movie or something? Just hang out?"

"Sure," I reply. Even though I should feel good right now, I can't stop thinking about that girl, Molly. I feel so jealous and hurt for no fucking reason. I want to block out that feeling, but it won't leave. Especially after finally talking to Leo. 

I lean on the pillows against the wall and Leo sits so close to me. Like arms actually touching. Why does this affect me so much? Why am I nervous I'm going to get a boner? What the hell is wrong with me?