The Fault in Our Stars: How It Should Have Ended

Chapter 9

"Gus, we have to turn around. It's not safe here." I hissed, starting to tug at his arm.

"All I wanted to do was reconnect with you. It's as if it wasn't meant to be."

We started to walk as fast as Gus could.

"Don't tell me you believe any of that 'meant to be' bullshit." I snapped.

"Why wouldn't I?" He seemed startled at my outburst.

"Because it's crap. If we want something to happen then we should be allowed to make it happen. As long as it doesn't hurt others. And I don't think our infinity can hurt others." I explained.

"Shit keeps happening to us that we can't control! It's not like I don't want to be with you Hazel, you know I love you. You kept me alive. But obviously God or whoever organizes this crap doesn't care." He started to cry.

"Augustus, believe what you want to believe. But through years and years of treatment, as you know, it's very easy to become a pessimist." I let go of his hand, and speed-walked away from him. And his bright blue eyes. And his smile, which had now faded into a flat line.

Did I want to turn around and hold him in my arms? Yes.

Would I? Not even I could be sure.

~~~~~

The next day, I felt terrible. I made Gus feel shittier than he already did, and that wasn't my goal. I had already called him 4 times, and left 2 voicemails. I texted him.

But I never said I was sorry.

Because when you're apologizing to some one, it's really hard to tell if they meant it over a text or voicemail. I was going to go over to his house and drop of a letter I had written explaining myself and what a mistake I had made.

I knew he probably wasn't even mad, just hurt, but I knew I'd feel better once Gus understood that I loved him more than anything.

~~

I rang the doorbell. His mom answered.

"Oh. Hi Hazel! Come on in. He's downstairs." She let me in.

"Thanks Mrs. Waters."

I walked very slowly down the stairs into Gus's basement.

"Hello Hazel Grace." I smiled in relief.

"This is for you Gus. I don't know if you listened to my voicemails or not. It's not like I'd expect you to." I trailed off.

"Hazel Grace, I don't want an apology." He dropped my letter on the floor. "I want you to have faith in yourself, faith in us. Faith in ME, that we can love each other." He looked into my eyes.

"I do have faith. And I know you do too. But you aren't naïve enough to think that we'll be able to get married and have children and a life together. Neither of us will live that long. I'm sorry to say it, but you damn well know that it's true."

He just smiled. He SMILED.

"Hazel Grace, what makes you think I was going to marry you?" He smirked.

I couldn't help but laugh. "Out of everything I just ranted to you about, you chose to hold onto THAT?!" I sat on the couch.

Gus sat down next to me and put his arm around my shoulders.

"I'd hold your hand or play with your hair right now, but I've only got one arm." He just smiled and sighed.

I guess that was another side effect of dying.