sad multifandome (English)

Im not okay (2)

Why is this so hard
This is so sick, like why is this so hard just say it.
I'm not doing great in fact, I can't remember the last time I felt this bad
I think I'm having, I think I'm going through
Why is this so hard
I think I'm going through another depressive episode
Why am I getting so emotional like nothing is happened, literally overnight I went from being completely fine to felling really really low
Out of nowhere,
And I... it's not.... I'm not sad
I know it's not just being sad, because.. cus nothing ind my life, has happened
For me to be sad like my life is good nothing bad has happened there's nothing that's changed, in the last two days
That's caused me to feel this way
And I recognise these feelings
These feelings are the feelings I had when back when I was really really depressed
And it scares me
And I always there was always that fear in the back
Of my head, that it would come back
But I guess I just wasn't prepared for it.

I don't feel good about myself
I feel really un confident.. let's say uhm...
I don't wanna show myself to the world
It's almost like a switch has gone off in my head.
And... it's just... I think so low about myself
And I don't know where it comes from
And I know it's just in my head
And I know that I sound really crazy right now
But...
that's how I feel
Like, I'm always on the brink of crying.
I'm always really emotional
I don't know why
Literally three days ago I was fine
And witch, makes me sound so crazy
And the sad thing is...
I know exactly what I'm feeling
Cus I've been through this before
Uhh
If I need to fix this
I need to fix myself
For me
And I don't know how to do that
Uhm... you know I hear words in my comments sometimes like
"Oh you're so inspirational"
Or "you're a good role model"
And I think that's why I'm writing this down
Because
As much as that is incredibly flattering and thank you for feeling that way
Uhm...
I can't help my brain, read that... and feel pressure
I read that and I think
Okay, I need to be someone worth being a role model
I need to be
Like
Up here
So that I can justify people feeling that way about me
And sometimes I don't feel up here
Sometimes I feel really down here
And I feel like I can't stop live up to that...
Standard
And I don't know what forcing me to be a certain way
And that it's me there's putting pressure on myself but...
I think that's why I'm writing this down to show you guys that
you know what I'm not
Okay...
I'm not doing great
And it sucks
I hate that I cry all the time
You know what this is reality of having mental health issues
This is how you feel sometimes
I don't even know what to say
Other than...
this is how I feel right now and I don't feel very good
I just feel like I wanna hide
I just wanner hide
I want to stay in bed all day
And wanna hide away from the world

It's like
This feeling
If I'm to describe this feeling
It's
A...
It's like...
this..
sinking dwellings inside
And it's just way me down
And it's just like this sad sinking feeling
That eats me away at you
All day
No matter what you do to distract yourself, the feeling always comes back
And it's just eats away of you
And make you feel so..
small
A week ago I was this
Happy
Confident
Like I was so passionated
I was happy
I was loving life
And now it's just flipped
Like that
And it just controls your life like that
Uhm...
and I realise when I'm saying that I sound crazy
Cause if you don't have mental health issues
You're not gonna get it and it dose sounds crazy I know...
and I was not expecting
Like
If you said a week ago I'd feel like this o would say
Like
I'd say no
I don't know...
I don't know
This is
Just like
I'm just a mess
Okay...
I think
Anyway
I think
I've done enough crying now
And I'm gonna
Go
I don't know what the point with writing this down is
What am I?
I'm so all over the place
Anyway uhm
Yep...
this is real life this is
Me being honest
And I'm probably gonna regret putting this on the internet, cause what is on the internet is there for life
Uhm
But yea
Okay
Bye