STARS | (editing!)

21*

" tell me something , boy . aren't you tired trying to fill that void ? / ain't it hard keeping it so hardcore ?" Lady Gaga, Shallow, A Star is Born
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day one - unremovable weight 

AFTER THAT I WOKE up in a new bed. Everything was unfamiliar, but maybe that was because Alaina actually kept our deal. She got them a new home. If she were to just kick them out into a hotel, I don't think I could live with myself knowing that they were hoping from hotel to hotel. I don't think I could walk away knowing I couldn't get them at least this. Regardless, it's still going to be hard to say goodbye. I had no idea how I was going to leave them. I thought about maybe just telling them, but we just lost Joey. I don't think they could handle anything else. At least not right now.

I was up on the roof with my back on the ground, looking up at the twinkling stars. I've been up here since I woke up. That was almost eight hours ago. I'm sure Caleb and/or Hailiee are awake. It's almost twelve-thirty in the morning. I blinked looking that one specific cluster of stars. Ursa Major, that was one of the first stars Joey would always point out to me. He would be so excited to be able to point out constellations.

The window next to me squeaked open. I was too invested in the stars to look over and see who it was. But telling by the large footsteps, and warmth of their body, I knew it was Caleb. He walked over and laid right next to me. He was so close that we were practically holding hands at this point. As if he read my mind, his fingers danced towards my hands. He put his on top of mine, then squeezed.

I cleared my throat, "You know, before he died, he would make these jokes every time we came up here. One of them was, uh," I took a deep breath, "Why didn't the Dog Star laugh at the joke?"

"Why?" Caleb said puzzled.

"Because it was too Sirius." I smiled remembering him.

Caleb chuckled softly at the joke, "That's so corny."

Soon the joke was over and our giggles and chuckles went silent. I looked over to Caleb, and saw his eyes were spotted with the reflection of the stars. It made them look as if they were the ones twinkling with amazement. His jaw clenched as his breathing went uneven again for a second. There's no way I could tell him. No way. Suddenly, he turned his head to meet my eyes. Usually, I'd be embarrassed and look away as soon as there was any sign of him going to look at me. But I didn't turn away this time.

He held my gaze for what felt like hours, then smiled sweetly. His smile made his cheeks puff up and make his eyes look like they were about to close. He was cheesing. Hard. It would be impossible to resist the urge to smile back, his was so contagious. That's when he held me close. And we fell asleep like that for the rest of the night.

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"It was nice of her but, do you really think she's done with us?" Hailiee questioned, her face hard in thought as she stared at her full plate of food.

I shook my head, picking at my own food, "Maybe she is. You never know with that woman, she's unpredictable. Eat your breakfast Hailiee."

"Not hungry." Hailiee remarked.

"You haven't eaten since when we got kidnapped, how are to not hungry?" I wondered.

"Dunno." She shrugged.

I sighed, "Yeah well. I'm not that hungry either."

I picked up her plate and mine, and stuck it in the fridge with saran wrap covering them. I went upstairs to Caleb's room and saw the plate I left on his dresser looked exactly the same as when I first came in here. I guess none of us are really that hungry anymore. I sighed and looked over to Caleb's sleeping figure. His mouth was slightly open, and light snore making its way through while his arms were wrapped around a pillow in front of him. He looked visibly weak. I'm sure he was weak mentally as well, like the rest of us. While Caleb was stuck in his room, Hailiee trying to act normal and me stuck on the roof, we all felt it in our hearts that something-someone was missing. It's not easy to avoid it.

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I looked over at my clock,

3:45 PM

It's only been three hours since I was on the roof with Caleb. Time seems to move by slower than usual which only made it more excruciating to not say anything. I wanted these days to fly by quick, be able to rip it off like a band-aid. It was more like slowly removing duct-tape from your skin. The hair pulling up and out of its pore making it even more painful than it needs to be.

There was a radio on my dresser, I decided to switch it on and try to distract myself. But it only made it worse. The song Supermarket Flowers came blaring through. The sad symphony seemed to bring my mood down even more than it already was.

Took the supermarket flowers from the window sill,

He was only twenty.

Took the day old tea, from the cup.

He was still a kid.

Packed up the photo album Mathew had made,

He never even had a girlfriend.

Memories of a life, that's been loved.

He'll never get married,

Dad always told me don't you cry when you're down,

Have kids,

But mom there's a tear every time that I blink.

Grow old with his true love,

Oh I'm in pieces it's tearing me up but I know,

He'll never experience what it's like to look at a person and know you will always protect them because you love them,

A heart that broke, is a heart that's been loved, so I'll sing hallelujah.

I couldn't stop the tears from running down my face like a stream. My heart started to beat erratically from my fast paced breath.

You were an angel, in the shape of my mom. When I fell down you'd be there holding me up, spread your wings as you go,

That's when I felt arms wrap around my body and try to sooth me into comfort. Joey was gone and no matter how much I want him to walk through the front door, he's never coming back. No matter how many times I want to negotiate to bring him back, it won't work. He's dead.

And when God took you back, he said 'Hallelujah, you're home.'

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