No U

Well (prepare for an essay)

Here's a body reveal first of all

The fricking mirror is dirty

But I'm quite okay with this picture
Doesn't show my ugly face mostly

Anyway

I just wanna talk, even if no one will talk back and it's okay.
Anything is okay.

But expressing is sort of... mandatory in a personal way.

Well first off, lemme give you an update on what's been happening.

I feel like crap.
I move like crap.
I talk like crap.
And I am basically crap.

My body is aching, I've been coughing for a while now, and I've been feeling a lot way down.

My sister found out I'm.. ya know.
But ever since, it feels like nothing changed.

Except the way I view people.

I view people as normal human beings who I look up to. But when I just do one single mistake, I've felt like I've disappointed them. They look down at me and they talk unappreciatively of me.

I'm not saying that I'm trying to become an entirely new different person.

But I'm saying that I'm shaping myself in a way where I do things differently. In a way where I behave differently. In a way where I just want people to know who I really am.

But it's always so difficult. People see what they want to see. People see what they expect to see.

I want people to know that I love reading. Ever since I've moved schools, I've felt like my interest in reading has rotten. I've got yelled at from a teacher because of reading. She was a homeroom teacher, we wouldn't do much.

So I immediately stopped reading a book that I was being graded to read. So I just sit there and do the best I could to make sure she doesn't even see me.

She probably thought I wasn't paying attention because I was reading. Believe me or not, I looked straight at her when she talks.

But I don't blame her. She's only doing her "job" as she always says.

I felt like I never belong in my new school. Everyone expects something different of me. My history teacher thinks I don't even care about school the slightest just because of a question I truthfully answered.

I'm probably just not good enough. I won't fit in. But yet I won't change myself. But at the same time I want to.

There's been this personality I have that pushes me, not by motivation. But by threats. I've been having this character within me to always put me down when I do something wrong.

I tell myself that I'm good enough, that people just don't know who I am entirely but then that personality asks "But you're always disappointing everyone, aren't you?"

And it's true. I've disappointed my English teacher. I used to love English. I loved reading in that class. I loved the perspectives and just so much. I just feel like I'm always in the dark and my teachers just think of me as unmotivated. Boring.

But everything's just pushing me down. I can't get up because I don't ever wanna risk anything.

I don't even know what I'm saying but I just have so much to say that I can't handle talking anymore.

Even my friend, the only friend that I've made is disappointed of me. She always sees me lonely and gets my backpack each time she can just to put it next to her friends.

I was always the person standing there, reading while everyone just questions why I'm with them.

It happened during lunch. I was alone with them, my friend left me with them. So I quickly grabbed my bag and tried walking away as fast as I can. Sometimes I notice my friend shaking her head of disappointment and I'd just keep trying to walk away.

There's just so much things I can't handle.

Believe me or not, I've been disappointing a lot of people. I try to be alone as possible. I try to push them away and I just can't deal with talking to them anymore.

Sometimes I think that anything I do doesn't matter anymore. Even talking and breathing.

So I just want to stay in bed until I rot.

I just don't seem to matter to anyone. Not even my own "creations" so I stopped creating them.

I thought I could continue writing because I love writing and expressing myself at the same time.

I try to become a ghost where people just forget about me. So they won't even think I exist. And it's probably for the better anyway.

At this point, I don't even think I exist to anyone anymore. I'm just an old and horrible memory that was meant to be forgotten.