(Sorry, but I need to get myself away from my thoughts. Plus, I sorta like sharing stories that just randomly pops into my head.
I've been feeling like a complete idiot and useless to everyone else in my school. I never fit in with anyone. I'm not smart, I'm not strong, I'm not talented, I'm nothing.
So I sorta wanna just explain my thoughts in a story kind of way. I'm not the best at explaining my thoughts straight away. It's like
Valerie.exe stopped working
Yeah, so, uH, I hope you like this one shot with totally random people)
I hated Friday's for some reason. Everyone was supposed to like that day. But somehow, Friday was the day I suffer more than any other school day.
I sat there in Math class, trying to pay attention to what I was doing. We were answering a worksheet about decimals and mixed numbers and such. I can never memorize the steps to solving these problems. That was something I always struggled with.
Everyday just made me feel dumber and dumber. I used to stand out, but now I feel stupid and my teacher no longer relies on me as an "outstanding" student. I mean, I wasn't the worse, or so I think, but I wasn't the best either.
A knocked emitted from the door and a silhouette was standing behind the blurred window of the door. My classmate near the door opened it for a student to just enter and greet the teacher.
"Are you Jamaica?" My teacher focused on her, smiling friendly. (A/N: Jeezuz now I can't even think. I can't even tell if my grammar is correct or not. That's one thing I hate too)
"Yes, Miss." Jamaica said, smiling widely. Her hair was so neat and beautiful. Hopefully I wasn't staring at her for too long because I've been having enough time to study her features. She had nice brown eyes and her skin seems soft. She was sorta slim but with good curves.
"Perfect! You can go ahead and sit next to Damian, Riley and Eza."
Once I heard my name from one of the people she called, I knew I was gonna dive into a hell hole.
We were sat in groups, our tables facing each other. Jamaica sat in front of me, and it made the situation much more nerve-racking. She saw my face directly and smiled.
Over the next few minutes, Jamaica seemed to become friends with Damian and Riley very quickly, quicker than I can ever do even if I've been with them for months, now. I never said a word, until Jamaica asked me my name.
"Eza."
"Beautiful name. You can call me Jam." She said, smiling. It made me smile. Jam. Heh. I was sorta heating up for some reason.
After Jam, Damian and Riley were literally the first to finish and give their work back to the teacher, the teacher was almost rubbing their work to our faces. She was saying things 'Amazing work, wow!" "Beautiful work."
It even gave Jam enough time to go to the library. Once she came back before our teacher was about to correct our work all together as a class, I just about finished.
I told her, but she decided to neglect it. It made me sorta upset and anxious. Does she think I can't do this? Does she think I'm just completely failing? Probably.
But then Jam came back and saw me with my worksheet still in my hands. She asked if I would like her to help.
"No, no, it's okay. I can do this." But I couldn't help myself but did ask her to make sure. Before she helped me out, she got her worksheet back and literally earned a happy face on it. It made me disappointed in myself. Maybe I was just jealous?
She then proceeded to help me by referring back to her answers. After we corrected our answers as a class, I only realized that I made a few wrong answers. It made me much more anxious.
But during that, Jam was absolutely smart and always raised her hands to answer a question from our teacher. She was just too smart compared to me.
My math teacher, the strict but optimistic, rewarded my classmates with some Skittles. She called Riley, Damian and Jam and some others for their amazing effort.
This made me feel left out, and it made me feel completely depressed. My math teacher used to tell me how I was a good student, but now I just felt like my words come to reality. I became dumber and stupider.
I didn't care about earning some sort of candy, I only cared about impressing my teachers and trying my best. But who am I kidding? I will never impress anyone at all. I will always be the stereotypical dumbass that makes people think I'm some sort of stupid and hideous creature that never fits in anywhere.
I mean, it's true. Everything I said was true to who I am. I just hated myself. I wanted to run out my class immediately.
Once we got our, Jam was just sorta waiting outside. Once I stepped out, she was there, looking at me and smiling. "Hey, want some?"
She handed me the Skittles, but I refused. "No thanks. I'm not a fan of Skittles anyway. Thanks."
"Oh, it's okay." She said, and somehow we walked together at the same pace. I wanted to get away from her as possible; not because I hated her, I just felt like she was too perfect for me to hang out with. I quickly ran away to the bathroom and hid in a bathroom stall. I was crying, trying to cry as much as possible because I didn't want to leave a tear behind.
I'll never be good as anyone. Im a failure. You're a failure, Eza. You're a fucking failure. You're nothing. You'll never fit in. Everyone hates you. Everyone thinks you're useless. You're useless. I'm useless. Why do you even exist. I don't know. You don't even have any friends. Go kill yourself, Valerie, everyone knows that's what you and they always wanted. No one will miss you, no one will even know about your death. Do it here now. Do it here. Die. Die. Now. You're depressed anyway. No one loves you. Every failed attempt at becoming close with someone is more evidence. Your situation is useless. There are people suffering more than you, why should you care if you'll die or not? Go ahead. People are expecting this moment anyway. Go kill yourself already. Look at yourself, you're a mess. You think you're fucking smart and special but you're no better. You're just a lonely fucking pig. Die. Now. You're nothing. Nothing. Nothing. You don't deserve anything. At least you don't have a reputation because you know you're just going to throw it away to the trash can.
No one understands you, and that's because they don't want to. You know why? Because you're a waste of their time and you're only going to make their day worse.
Hope you die someday.
"Eza?" Jam called from the other side of the stall, knocking quietly. Nothing but silence. She opened the door and saw Eza on the floor, with a bruised neck, slits and cuts almost everywhere on her skin. A note was sticked to her forehead.
Jam screamed and ran away, so did the other girls in the restroom. The note fell off Eza's head. "Just forget all about me."
