I think this entire book is just me being anxious and depressed h a h
I seriously don't know why I always put myself down just because of one person
And to make it worse, I admire that person
I'm always so anxious and cringey around them
I've tried moving on but I don't know
I don't trust anything
I don't trust my own feelings
I guess it's because I admit the thought that I'll never live up to someone's expectations
I know that's a bad thing but
I've always felt like everyone just looks down at me
I really just don't understand anymore
I'm always questioning about myself
Sometimes I wonder if anyone thinks of me at all
That's a lot to ask for, actually
I can tell that I'm just a forgotten memory
Obviously
No one thinks about me
Because why should they?
There's nothing about me that is worth remembering
I'm literally ugly and horrifying
I'm dumb as a rock and can't even math
My teachers probably see me walk through the door and think "oh god no here we go"
Seriously
I think I'm just a virus they try to avoid
I never cooperate
I'm not the best student in their class and I feel left out because almost all my classmates are the best students in all my classes except me
I wanna go back to my old school
I'm still so new
Even my classmates were surprised and said "You haven't made any friends yet?"
Of course not
Well sorta
I have 2 so far
But I barely spend time with them
I guess it's because everyone has a friend
Even the 6th graders
I'm always at the bottom
I can never motivate myself
I can never live up to a teacher's expectations
I always disappoint them
Every time I seem to make them proud of me, it turns out to be the opposite.
Teachers would always brag about the better student just to "motivate us"
But all that it gives me is anxiety and disappointment of myself.
I probably can't even keep someone from killing themselves
If only make them have them want to kill themselves more
Everyone just wants to run away from me
And trust me, people have ran away from me
I still can't get the memory out of my head
They were screaming, and it was literally just us. Me, and two girls.
There was literally nothing else that could scare them as well.
Just me. I'm horrifying
I'm useless
I'm terrifying
I'm nothing
No one would like me
I hate myself
I keep telling myself that
Sometimes I keep trying to force myself to stay away from people as much as possible
I'd walk away quickly and keep my head down
I just want someone to finally tell me the truth about how pointless and useless I am to them so I can finally end it
I just need someone to tell me
I need someone besides me to tell me I'm useless
