Irresistible (A Harry Styles Fanfiction)

87: If You Don't Love Me Now, You Will Never Love Me Again

A/N: It's still 11:18 here in NYC so I got it in just in time! Hope you enjoy.

I can't believe things have escalated to this level. I am filled to the brim with red-hot emotion and I'm about ready to explode.

No, actually I'm so filled with rage that I'm ready to cry. I'm ready to sob out my anger, cheeks tomato red and eye's so puffy you don't know whether it's more comfortable to keep your eyes open or shut.

I'm livid and I'm about to angry sob and it's not okay.

Yeah, I need to be alone.

The more I told Monica about what happened yesterday and relived what he said, the angrier I became with him. With every little detail my heart rate picked up and my blood started to slowly boil over and Monica was right there stoking the flames. And now that I am standing at my front door I'm so overwhelmed that I can barely hold my keys without hearing them jingle in my trembling fingers.

How could he have said those things?

How could he think so little of me?

How could he be so bloody irrational?

How could the perfect man act like a typical boy?

Does he still love me?

Maybe it's my fault for putting him on a pedestal this whole time. He is perfect in so many ways but he's still only human and he has his faults. Of course he does, we all do. I just wish he didn't let them show so clearly all at once and after he found out who I used to be.

But I also didn't let myself see them clearly before this point either.

You know what, maybe I deserved it for not seeing his true capabilities. He's an imperfect person, not the magical Harry Styles reflected through the lens of stardom and fame. He's talented and kind and has the biggest heart but he's also stubborn and forceful and easily manipulated at times... i.e. Jeff's feelings on me coming out of Harry's annoyingly beautiful mouth.

At least I got to verbally slap Jeff down before I left... as much as I could, anyway. He deserved a lot more but I didn't have the gumption or mental stability to go on. And still, with everything I know, I do believe Jeff once was a nice person but both he and Harry have changed.

Everyone changes but even so, that's not my fault. I know I lied but Harry does the same. He keeps so much of himself hidden from the world, he must understand why I kept my past a secret.

I was scared. I'm still scared.

And after everything, I have every right to be.

All I know is that I have to figure out what to say to Harry as calmly and as directly as I can because emotion obviously doesn't help in a situation like this. One of us needs to control ourselves and it's certainly not going to be Harry.

That's why I asked Monica to drop me off at home instead of sticking around to bitch about my British Boytoy, as she put it, so I could figure it out. 

I also need space from her because although I have forgiven her, she's also part of the problem. I never would have expected my best friend to act the way she did and I never would have expected Harry to actually pick up the phone and call her like I thought he did. In my mind, he gave the information up so freely but I was wrong about how it happened and when Monica told me how it went down, my heart broke a little bit for the both of them.

They were both so surprised and betrayal. Neither reaction was to hurt me, I was just collateral damage.

How lovely.