Undead

Guardian Angels. (305)

CARL'S POV.

I walk into the sitting room and plop down on the couch in frustration.
"Madison's in the shower again."
"So?" Jenna chimes.
"This is her second shower today." I note.
"She needs space. Somewhere she can think.... I have a feeling she thinks a lot about ... wherever she was." She notes.
I nod.

We sit in silence. Things have been awkward between Jenna and I since Madison came home. I know Madison is starting to put two and two together. Jenna sits next to me on the couch with Kara in her arms, sleeping soundly. It took ages to put her down. Madison almost tore her hair out for over an hour trying to sooth Kara. She tried everything feeding her, putting her to bed, cradling her, nothing worked and I could see how it upset her. I could see in her eyes how it pained her to see our daughter so restless.

Finally, she asked for help and when Jenna took her it took only five minutes to calm her before she fell asleep.
The look on Madison's face is not one I'll forget. And it hurt to watch her in torment. None of this is her fault and I know she's beating herself up about it. If only she would tell me what happened, I could help her.

I watched as the tears build up in Madison's eyes but of course she'd never tell us how badly she was hurting. So she went for a shower instead

"I should go." Jenna whispers.
I nod.
She stands to her feet and passes Kara into my arms without waking her.
"Jenna ?"
She looks up at me for the first time in a while.
"Yeah?"
"I... I'm sorry that I've been distant. It's just, things are complicated with Mad-"
She reaches out and touches my face gently.
"I know, Carl. It's okay. She needs time. We'll figure this out." She promises.
"Um...sure."
Figure this out ?
What is there to figure out?
I love Madison and I want to be with her.
Jenna doesn't seem to grasp that and I don't know how to tell her without sounding like an asshole. I haven't been treating Jenna the way I should be.

"See you tomorrow." She whispers and stands on her tippy toes to plant a kiss on my lips. I move my head quickly to the side and she catches my cheek instead. The awkward tension really couldn't get any worse.
"Night." I murmur to ease the tension a little.
She stays quiet and quickly turns on her heels and hurries out the door.

I sigh. I've made a real mess out of things and I don't know how to fix them. I climb up the stairs and make my way into Madison's room to put Kara to bed. When I walk in I find Madison brushing her short, wet hair with her hairbrush and a small patch of water gathers on the clean shirt she just put on as the droplets of water drips from the ends of her hair onto the material. That freaky dog lays loyally by her side as always and watches her intensively. I mean, I can't blame him. I'd stare at her all day long too if I could. She is so amazing and she doesn't even know it.

I stare at her reflection in the mirror and find it hard to recognize the Madison I used to know.
Madison now has sunken eyes and looks like she hasn't slept in days. Under her eyes are red like she was crying. She looks thinner too. Now that I think of it, I can't remember when she last ate. She avoided breakfast this morning and casually dismissed lunch and when dinner came around she excused herself to hang out with Judith, Kara and that damn dog.

I start to get an uneasy feeling in my stomach. I know Madison hasn't been telling me things but just how much is she keeping from me 
"Madison?" I call softly.

The brush slips from her grasp at the same time that I hear her gasp loudly and she jumps high into the air. She lifts her hands protectively above her out of instinct as if expecting a harsh blow. Simultaneously, the brush hits the ground with a loud thud that makes Kara jolt in my arms and the room is immediately filled with sharp cries.

Madison quickly composes herself and rushes to Kara.
"No, no, no, no." She quickly takes Kara from my arms and cradles her gently from side to side.
"I'm so sorry baby. I didn't mean to wake you." She begins to cry with Kara.
"Mads?"
"I'm fine." She sobs.
I walk closer and grab her by the shoulders.
"Mads." I say more serious.
"I'm f,fine!"
"No, you're not!"
She takes deep, shaky breathes while a continuous stream of tears run down her face.
"You're right. I'm a fucking mess. Everyone is being shady because I'm back and can't explain why, I've barely got a second to talk to Kai for real because people are constantly checking in on me because I'm a psycho. My own baby hates me, I'm a horrible mother, every time I close my eyes for a second I see everything. Everything I don't want to see and it's tearing me apart and I HATE IT. I hate the memories, I hate the guilt, I hate the people but most of all I hate myself and everything hurts ..." she runs out of breath and sobs even harder. She shakes to the point I become concerned that she might drop Kara.