Do I Wanna Know? || Ashton Irwin

17

"Did Richie leave again?" Eli asked, spinning his plate on the table. I stuck to my plan of ordering pizza for dinner, it was quick and could satisfy the growing twins.

"Yeah, he's busy with some stuff." It frightened me how I could say that and not care. Maybe I did make the right decision.

And I was more frightened by the fact that I didn't care about him not being around. I could make it without him. I felt no inch of guilt for partaking in an affair with my ex. What was supposed to feel wrong was manically feeling right and I think that was how you knew that you were starting to push your cares aside. I'd never have the guts to do something as what I'd just done. Perhaps the medicine swimming through my veins was giving me that extra push to do more things that made me happy. It was blocking out the sadness and the anxiety and replaced both with happiness and confidence. Yet, sometimes I could feel my old self knocking, letting me know that she was still there, waiting to be released like she was some sort of criminal behind bars. Some days I felt the medicine working and some days I was left wondering if it was doing its job. Both occurrences caused me to be indecisive and make decisions that could confuse anyone but myself.

Example, I could not manage to be put in a room with Ashton and then a few weeks later I was up and calling him, asking him to go to lunch with the kids and I. Maybe my lack of sanity could sometimes create brilliant things. Maybe I got pleasure out of knowing that I could get Ashton to do whatever I wanted just by asking and shooting a quick please and he'd run to make it happen now that apparently the band was going to be spending a lot more time in New York

"Oh." Was all Eli said.

"I'm glad!" Ella cheered. "I don't like him. Can we kick him out?"

I chuckled, placing a slice of pizza on Eli's plate. "I don't think that'd be very nice."

But kicking him out would ideally be great. He wasn't helping me out with the kids anyway. Funny wasn't it? He'd pestered me about getting pregnant for six months exactly and now that we - I - had kindly taken in my niece and nephews he acted like he wanted no part in dealing with children. I could sense his disliking towards them too. He'd barely talked to them, he'd rarely even looked at them. I hoped that they did not notice that and I hoped they did not feel like anything was their fault. It wasn't right for them to suffer the consequences of Dick simply being an asshole.

"But he's not very nice, won't that make it okay?" Ella stated. "Being mean to someone who is mean is right, right?"

"What did Ana and Jack teach you guys?"

"Never walk on a sidewalk barefoot." Eli pointed.

"Ice cream before dinner is okay." Ella said right after her brother.

"That question was rhetorical, but thank you for sharing your values with me." I snorted.

"T!" They both whined in tune. It was the first time I'd heard them say something in unison. I'd yet to experience them do the same thing at the same time. They were actually some of the most out-of-sync twins. They also did not like wearing similar outfits. If they noticed I purposely put them in matching clothes, they'd get upset and one of them would force me lie out a different outfit for them. The only time they approved of matching was when they decided to wear the leather jackets Luke had bought them for Christmas. And they always were in the mood to match if meant looking like their rock star uncle.

"What?!"

"Big words!" Eli sighed, popping a pepperoni in his mouth.

"Sorrryyyyyy." I playfully pouted.

I was not hungry. I felt sick to my stomach actually. It was that feeling one got after doing something really gutsy. So, I sat talking to the twins as I fed Jack his respective dinner.