Do I Wanna Know? || Ashton Irwin

32

January 17, 2018

Hey T,

I'm missing you a lot today. We're in New York today. I want to visit, but Luke says not to while Calum and Michael tell me to go for it. I'm visibly sad. Michael has met this girl named Tessa, I can tell he's already in love with her even though he claims they're best friends and nothing more. And Luke is back with Alya. Calum is still lonely as ever, day dreaming about this actress named Sasha Mekalanos, maybe you've heard in her? She was in that really good action movie along with Russell Crowe and Zoe Saldana. I can't think of the name of it so hopefully naming the actors from the top of my head will help you recognize what I'm talking about. Anyway, I'm rather lonely. You would probably laugh at me and tell me that I have Sarah, but Sarah is no Talia. Sarah cannot fill the void in my heart that you do. Sarah is just here because I need her to be since you aren't. I regret allowing her back in to my life at such a vulnerable time.

Luke said he saw you for New Years Eve. He showed me tons of photos of you with Ella and Eli. They're getting so big, it's unbelievable. You look nice with children. I got a bit excited because it made me happy to see you with children and I ended up picturing what life would be like having kids with you, only to remember that we haven't spoken in years and it's a far-fetched idea that would never happen.

This letter gets creepier as I re-read it. I don't plan on sending this or any other letter I write in the future.

February 20, 2018

Talia.

You're making a huge mistake. Dick doesn't love you. I do. Please tell me that your engagement is a lie or some kind of joke that Luke came back with to make me feel even worse than I already do. Dick is nothing more than a dick and he will hurt you. He's not a good person. He's exactly like Sarah. They will make you believe that they're a god that needs to worshiped and once they have you trapped they'll turn into the devil. Trust me, T. I know how this will go.

July 7, 2018

If you think you can go off and get engaged to someone and pretend that you never loved me, then I can do the same. Tonight at dinner I'm going to ask Sarah to marry me and I'm going to be happy, so fucking happy. And you won't be able to change my mind.

I gathered the letters, tossing them in the shoe box. That wasn't as bad as I thought, but bad enough to sadden me that he believed I had actually stopped loving him or forgot about him. The thing that he didn't know; once you were graced with him in your life, it was challenging to forget or stop loving Ashton Irwin. He misjudged the lasting power he had on people.

I held my phone in my hand, staring at his contact until I forced my thumb to make the phone call. It rang twice and I was sent to voicemail. That was a very sweet gesture.

"This is Ashton, don't leave a message because I never check them." His voice sounded dull and lifeless. Beep.

"Hey it's me...T...I read the letters that you sent after 2017. Just thought I should let you know even though you won't listen to this message. Um, I'll see you when I see you." I had to be his weakness. I just had to be in order for him to check the voicemail.

I sighed, tossing my phone aside and dropping my face in my hands.

"T, are you okay?" Ella's sleepy voice filled the living room.

"Yeah, Ella, I'm fine." I sat up, pulling my hair back into a low ponytail. "Why are you still awake?"

"Eli's crying, so I came to get you." She rubbed her tired eyes with her fingers. Her curls were stuck to her face and wild.

I grabbed Ella's hand, walking her back to the bedroom and settling her in her bed.

"Hey, Eli." I sat on the edge of Eli's bed. His back was facing me as his soft sobs mixed with the sound of the wind outside. "What's wrong?"

"I m-miss mommy." He hiccuped. "I miss daddy too. You said they would be back, but you're a liar. I h-hate you."

I was the biggest liar and worst guardian ever, I couldn't even stand myself. Ella crawled on Eli's bed, sitting against the wall. She stared down at her brother.

"Eli, that's mean." I could see the scowl on her face.

"They aren't coming back," I tried to rub Eli's back, but he shoved my hand off. "But that doesn't mean they don't love you. They love you so much and if they could be here I'm sure they would. I lied to you because grandma wasn't sure you'd be able to understand what was going on."

It felt like such a big betrayal to lie to the twins like this. I was even afraid to explain to Jack when he was older what had happened to his parents. It made me sad to think of the poor baby without his proper parents. The three of them shouldn't have to settle for me.

"I'm five not one!" Eli snapped, Ella jumped almost hitting her head on the wall. "They're dead." Eli sat up and wiped his eyes, slowly settling down in the arms of Ella. "I'm sorry, T. I had a scary dream and I woke up upset. I will be okay."

"Do you want to talk about the dream?" I asked him, accepting a hug from him.

"No, I want to go back to sleep." He made himself comfortable under the blankets again. "I don't hate you. I love you."

"I love you too, Eli."