little by little | jungkook

fourty three

song: let her go ~ passenger

'you see her when you fall asleep,
but never to touch and never to keep,
cause you loved her too much and you dive too deep .'

—

chanyeol p.o.v.

i tried to hate you. i tried so hard.

trust me, i did.

i tried to hate you when i first met you because i knew i had feelings for you but i had a girlfriend at the time so i knew we would never work out.

i tried to hate you when you, sehun, and i became a friend group because i didn't want my crush on you to make things awkward within our circle.

i tried to hate you when i broke up with my girlfriend for you but didn't want you to think that i was using you as a rebound so i stayed away.

i tried to hate you when my best friend beat me to your heart and i could tell you were so happy with him.

i tried to hate you when i finally confessed my feelings and intentions to you after waiting for months but you said we couldn't do that to sehun.

i tried to hate you when i would see you guys kiss everyday and hang out after school without me because you didn't want me to be a 'third wheel' and feel uncomfortable.

i tried to hate you when you attempted to set me up with seungyeon so that i would have someone to go out with because i always looked 'depressed' when we hung out as a trio but little did you know i still wanted you.

i tried to hate you when you saved me after i attempted taking my own life after i couldn't take another day of living after my mother had passed away.

i tried to hate you when you would force me to go out with you on days when i just wanted to sit at home and sulk all day.

i loved you when you finally let me touch you. let me place my lips on parts of your body i hadn't even had a chance to see after knowing you for years.

i loved when you giggled when i placed my hands on your waist and my lips against your neck. i loved when you said you wanted more and i shouldn't stop.

but that all ended too quickly.

i tried to hate you when you called me crying that you were pregnant because it hurt me to hear you this way and i didn't want to speak to you while you were in that state.

i tried to hate you when the first thing you thought about when you called me was how we would tell sehun rather than your own well being.

i tried to hate you when you went along with my plan to have sehun believe he was the father of the child and it worked.

when really it should've been me. all me.

i tried to hate you when somehow you forgave me when i had a sudden outburst and called you a liar when really it was me that was mad at myself for letting this happen.

i tried to hate you when you and sehun were still able to stay together despite all that was going on.

i tried to hate you when you tried taking your life and almost left me on this planet, that i already dreaded, alone.

i tried to hate you when you had the baby and didn't fight against your mother's wishes to move hours and hours away from me.

i tried to hate you when you would call me every week to check up on me and make sure all was well because i didn't want to remember how much i loved you.

i tried to hate you when i met eyes with you in the airport and you smiled at me but i could see the difference in your attitudes when you came into contact with sehun.

i tried to hate you when you just looked magnificent every time you came to our hotel to pick us up and you would smile wide when greeting us.

i tried to hate you when we finally met our kid and all the memories of before you moved came back and clouded my mind.

i tried to hate you when i came face to face with my son and he looked just like me and you but i knew i could never admit that because i didn't want to ruin everything.

i tried to hate you when i was buying my christmas gift for you but i loved you too much to allow my hostility to get in the way of how i wanted to get the best gift for you.

i tried to hate you when i watched jungkook walk into your house on christmas day and i realized that sehun was no longer the person who i had to fight for your love but rather him.

i tried to hate you when sehun and i were leaving your house this morning but realized that you meant too much to me to leave on a bad note.

i tried to hate you, i tried so hard.

trust me, i did.

but then i remembered most of all
that i loved you.

and i would until the day i die.

—