little by little | jungkook

fourty nine

song- how to never stop being sad ~ dandelion hands

*words in bold are lyrics from this song*

—

chanyeol p.o.v.

i remember the days when i was happy.

i remember the days when i could hang out with sehun and mi na in peace with no worries.

i remember the days when i could smile and hug my mother as if there were no tomorrow.

but i remember the day i smiled and hugged her for the last time.

repeat to yourself that they're not really gone.
time has proven that fooling yourself into believing a lie is the most effective way to deal with things you have no control over.

i could feel my head ache from the thoughts in my mind.

i remember the day when i realized i could never hang out with sehun and mi na the same way anymore.

i remember the day when i officially became sad and knew there was no going back.

—

i watched as my phone vibrated inside my pocket.

"you know there are no phone calls during our sessions." i heard my therapist say causing my head to snap up from looking down.

"but-" i tried saying before being interrupted.

"no buts, now let's continue. how are you feeling today?"

—

i stepped out of my session and walked over to my car. it had been a long day. first i went to my mother's grave one last time. then i went to sehun's house and said bye one last time. then i went to my therapist one last time.

it was now 6:00 and i sat inside my car. i didn't know what to do with my life anymore. i had no mother anymore. i was lying to the only person i considered family. and the person who had my heart did not even want it. i needed to do something now or i would regret what could come next.

i pulled out my phone and saw the name from a missed call across my screen.

mi na.

she was just who i wanted to speak to. she was just who i needed to speak to. i swiped the notification and listened as it rang a couple of times.

no answer.

keep listening to the mixtapes they made you.
overanalyze every single word you hear,
"was this a sign that things were going wrong?"
no, no, you were the one that cared too hard, not them.

please leave my head.

i could feel my face begin to heat up and i tugged at my thick brown locks. why didn't she pick up?

i went to imessage and texted her immediately.

can we talk? it's really important.

i just needed to hear her voice. she was the only person who could help me now.

no response.

fuck, why? why now? why couldn't she just answer.

stay up every single night staring at your phone.
either attempting to gather up the courage to turn these demons, these constant reminders of your loneliness into nothing more than a bad dream or praying just for one second you could feel the warmth of equally returned love.