little by little | jungkook

fifty

song- ocean photographs ~ ludwig goransson

—

mi na p.o.v.

who's going to be the first to say goodbye?

i had always asked myself who would be the first to say goodbye.

but i had always imagined asking myself that question when we were all leaving to go to college.

not in the case of me having to move away,

or because one of my best friend's was now dead.

i felt as the car shook up and down as we hit a rough and unpaved section on the road.

we were now on our way to the airport. it was unbelievably crazy how quickly this was happening. it took months- even years to plan a wedding but just a matter of days to plan a funeral.

funny how that works.

i never imagined that this would be the reason i would be returning back to maryland. and i still couldn't process the idea through my head properly.

i remember finding out as if it were just yesterday.

—

i sat in my bedroom with pure disbelief laced through my emotions.

'mi na- please take a deep breath. please just calm down. this isn't your fault. you need to just wait a minute, don't move too much.' i heard my mother say as she lightly shook my shoulders.

the funny part was i wasn't moving. i just stood there in shock. that was the only word to describe my emotions.

i had just lost my best friend and in one of the worst ways possible.

he felt so defeated that he couldn't 'do' life anymore. and i know he wouldn't want me to blame myself. i know he wouldn't want any of us to blame ourselves.

but i just couldn't help but do that.

'just stay right here, let me get you some water.' my mother said while her flustered eyes scanned my room and then back at me, quickly running out and down the steps.

i kept looking forward. what was there to do at this point?

i brought my eyes down to my lap, where my phone lay.

the words from his voicemail echoed through my head and i could feel my heart quite literally melt.

his words were like knives slicing through me.

although he was laughing all through it, i could tell he was in pain. and i was the one who could've helped him.

'm-mi na,' he joyously sang through the phone speaker, 'sorry that you couldn't pick up, i just know i'm bothering you right now but i wanted to say bye and that i love you. and in case you didn't know, you are in fact that only person getting this call so here's a late birthday gift i guess!'

the laugh that ended the call literally sent chills down my spine. a laugh of pain.

and there was no one there to help him.

no one there to hug him. no one there to assure him everything was going to be fine. no one there to hold his hand during his dying hours- no minutes.