To the one I loved the most

I forgot how real it all was

"I saw his name pop up on a notification on my friends phone, and I realized how lonely and numb I feel. I don't know, after all these months, I still can't picture myself with anyone else. It just doesn't feel right. And I've honestly come to realize that I just push it out of my head. Sometimes I'll see a really cute guy in a movie or a guy I'm friends with, and I think about what it would be like if I was with them, but then I instantly compare it to being with him and all the joy and the feeling of being connected won't be there. I don't even know why I do it, I don't even have control over it. It's come to the point where now, I don't think of love anymore when I think of being in a relationship. Tonight for the first time I thought of being in a relationship for stability, some laughs, and just to have a companion. Someone to pay the bills and make a family with. But not someone I love. And that scares me. It scares me that I don't think I'll love someone the way I loved him. Every time I think about what happened between him and I, I get filled with so many questions, especially on how he could just leave so quickly and be happy with someone else. And I used to be consumed by it, but now I push it out of my head as I walk to my next class or something like that. I thought that was moving on, but it's not. I miss who he was and late nights in the streets as he rode his bike next to me and his hugs and smiles and secrets he only shared with me. I miss his siblings and hearing about his life and even though the whole thing turned so toxic and unhealthy there came a point in time when everything was good, and we were invincible. There came a point in time when we were suspended above the world, just him and I, together as one against anything that came hurtling towards us. There was a time when his actions matched his words and I was his source of happiness. And for the past couple of months, it is so easy to dodge the bullets filled with memories because I don't see his name pop up on my phone and I don't see him around school and I don't call him every night. It is easy to think I am over him because I can brush the memory of him so far under the rug that I think that bump has always been there. Where is the line between having moved on and being able to miss someone you don't want back? What is the difference? I see us getting ice cream after my lacrosse games. I see him chasing after bunnies in his track uniform. I see us at the park in the dead of night, jumping out at each other. I see us talking in the bleachers of the football field. I see us racing over the ice at my street corner. I see him crying on the side of the road as my arms wrap around him. I see him in my room looking through my memory boxes. I still hear him talking about his favorite book over the phone. I still hear him laughing at me and I still hear his countless stories deep into the night. I hear his reassurance and his tenderness. When I hear his song on the radio I still sing along. I tried to compress our story into a tragedy with strategic, numbered events on how everything went wrong but there is so much more in between. But everyone thinks I'm over him, so I convinced myself I was too."