Untold. // Phan

Chapter 1

WARNING: MENTION OF SELFHARM

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I can't believe how much I hate, pressures of a new place roll my way.

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It was smaller compared to our old house in Wokingham. It was painted white, had a gray roof and large windows. It was ugly.

I sat alone in our van and stared at the house, which was to become my new home. Luckily, my father didn't call it that after we got here. I felt like I had to vomit.

My little sister wandered out of the house and I turned away. She was a year younger than me, but she acted more like an adult. I loved her and I knew that she returned that love. We were like those siblings from the movies nobody believed in. Like a fairytale that everyone doubted. But like every fairy tale, there is a real core somewhere. And we were that core. We spent almost the entire time together and never had a huge fight. I was ready to give her everything I had and my presence in this shithole proofed that.

She spoke to our father, but I couldn't understand what it was about. Without wanting to represent myself as the center of the earth - it was probably about me. Here are some details about my father, who was probably the best father in the world. No matter what or how much he had to do, he always found time for Addy and me. Every damn evening he played hide-and-seek with us and then read us a good night's story. Since what happened last year, I actually thought that he would lose his shit, but he pulled himself together. He had so much control over himself. I wondered how he managed to do that.

And then there was me, that seventeen-year-old asshole who refused to get out of the car.

It was midsummer, so very warm. The sun was shining mercilessly on us and it felt like it wanted to kill me. Me against the sun. That fucking star hated me. However, I remained stubborn and continued to stay in the car. As if I were stronger than the fucking sun.

I didn't want to go to the new house. I didn't want to see it, didn't want to help carry the ugly boxes in and fuck, actually I didn't want anything. All my life, I wouldn't even have dreamed of moving with my family and certainly not to another city! I wanted to go home. There where the subway was just a short distance away.

We had a perfect house with a huge garden and Addy and I could walk to the tram in just 5 minutes. We were out there the whole day just out with our friends. We had lived there all our lives and now everything was gone.

After Dad announced that we would move, Addy and I fought against it with everything we had. However, my father had convinced her after a short time, because she was so naive and she also managed to pull me on her side. And I regret it. I regret it so much.

She said it would be better for us to live somewhere else, and I knew she was just repeating Dad's words. She lied and just did everything for dad and I understood it. But I couldn't be as strong as Addy was.

The heat hit me and I rolled up the sleeves of my sweatshirt. I didn't want it, but it was like an accident - you just stare at it. Red and white stripes on both arms. Some were fresh, some old. I squinted, shook my head briefly and pulled my sleeves down again.

I put my leg on the seat and rested my head on my knee. Addy walked towards me as expected. She looked so pretty, but fucking tired at the same time. Her black hair was a mess and her arms were totally red because of the heavy boxes.

She opened the passenger door and leaned against the car roof with her forearm. At least she was pretty. She tried not to curse when she flinched and immediately pulled her arm away from the hot car roof.

"How can you just sit in here?" she asked puzzled. I didn't answer her and hoped that she would just leave me alone again.

"Daniel, please get out, you'll get another heat stroke."

"Oh, fuck off!" Addy frowned in confusion and I turned away. I just wanted her to leave. She held her breath and I knew that I had hurt her. My sister was so sensitive and I knew it, so I took advantage of it. I couldn't help it and I couldn't watch her as well. I saw her glassy eyes right in front of me. She slammed the door and I closed my eyes.

Great job, Howell!

The driver's door opened and I opened my eyes. I watched my little sister climb into the car and shut the door. Now it was only the two of us while we hid from the whole world. She didn't look at me, so I turned my eyes to my shoes.

"I'm sorry." I apologized after a while. At the same time I just wanted to break the tormenting silence.

"I know." She sounded tired and held her head.

"I don't wanna go into this house."

She nodded knowingly. "Neither do I."

Slowly I looked up at her, but she was still staring straight ahead. There was nothing to see. Just more of these ugly houses.

"But we can't go back."

"Why not?" I sounded desperate.

"We can't, Dan, you know that." Finally she looked at me.

Suddenly I remembered the events this morning and faced the other direction. I stared out the window again.

I had been so afraid to leave our old house. With all my strength I had clung to pieces of furniture and holy shit I cried. I remembered screaming, but I can't recall what I said. My dad tried it first, but in the end it was Addy who got me into the car.

It had taken hours. She had cried too. No idea what she had said or done, but I remembered the pain I felt. At each traffic light I saw the opportunity to jump out of the car, but I didn't.

"Listen to me, Dan." Addy's calm voice brought me back to the present. I turned to her and looked into her eyes. My head was still leaning against the warm glass of the window. "I won't force you to go into this house, I would never force you, but I want you to go out of this car, I'm worried about you."

She grabbed my hand that rested on my thigh. For a brief moment, I wanted to ask her if we could just leave. She would just start the engine and we would go back to Wokingham. But we couldn't do that to dad, right? So I surrendered and opened the door.

For a while, I just let my legs dangle in the air until I overcame myself to leave the car completely. The floor felt different. It smelled different. Not like fun and luck. More like grief. Probably it was all in my head because I lost all my luck in Wokingham. My heart hurt.

Addy came up to me and hugged me slowly, as if she didn't want to scare me. I also put my arm around her. She rested her head on my shoulder and at that moment I didn't have the slightest idea who was holding who.

"I love you." I heard her say, whereupon I closed my eyes and hugged her even tighter. I couldn't say anything, my brain had too much work to do.

***

This was just the beginning. It's gonna be a more interesting, I promise.
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