Untold. // Phan

Chapter 9

"So that was the boy you talked about." Addy stated and I nodded. We were both sitting on the roof. I smoked cigarettes while Addy sat helplessly next to me. She hated it, I knew that, but she hadn't said anything about it for ages, and I only smoked when I felt bad and needed to.

After the argument with my father, I felt the need. Addy didn't want to leave me alone, so she was sitting next to me, while the entire fight was repeating itself in my head.

"It was a accident, it will never happen again." I said quietly, bobbing on the dining chair back and forth.

"An accident? How does this happen accidently?"

"I don't know, dad!" I said almost desperately and stood up. I wanted to get away, but my father grabbed my shoulder. Not rough, but definitely.

"Stop running away and talk to me."

"I don't want to talk to you." I admitted openly, raising my eyebrows. "I don't want, as I said a hundred times, to talk to anyone about it, I'm okay."

"Say that to your arms." he noticed and I swallowed everything else I wanted to say. "Say that to the walls in our old house, say that to all-"

"Unfortunately we are not at home anymore, otherwise I would have apologized to every wall long ago!" I got louder. "Every piece of furniture, preferably every fucking plate that has landed on the floor!"

"Dan, calm down, please." my father became calmer. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that."

"Why not? It's the truth, isn't it?" I shrugged.

"I just want to help you, Dan, why are you so against it?" he asked desperately and I realized how I became increasingly aggressive. As if it was burning and the fire would come towards me and there was no way out, no point that didn't glow.

"Because you can't help me, for fucks sake! Nobody can help me, why don't you understand that? Why doesn't anyone understand?" I screamed and my dad was very good at holding himself together. "Why don't you lose your shit? Why doesn't Addy lose it? Why don't you understand anything?"

"Addy learns to handle her feelings differently."

"And you take pills, great dad, that's great, that's how I want to be!"

"Daniel!"

"If you want me to rely on sedatives and antidepressants all the time, I think that's great, but I don't want to get up every morning and throw in six pills, which in the end won't do anything anyway, because the world is still fucked up!"

"What do you want to do instead, wear long clothes and hide what you do to yourself, is that really better?!" Now he was loud too.

"It doesn't matter what we do to make us feel better."

"Are you feeling better after the stunt?"

"The stunt? The stunt?! Is this what it was for you, a stupid stunt? A prank that went totally wrong?! That's what happened?!"

"Hey, both of you!" I suddenly heard Addy's voice behind me. I closed my eyes.

"Adriana, go back to your room." my dad said and now I heard how tired he was. My head hurt and I felt the adrenaline disappear from my circulation and I calmed down.

"I hear you upstairs as well." she murmured, but didn't move. I couldn't turn around and look at her. My hands found the way to my hair and clawed into it.

I took a deep breath and took a step towards my father.

"I am sorry." I started. "I'm sorry that I'm probably the worst son you can ever wish for, that I'm so fucking exhausting and don't even try to deal with you, and no, I'm not feeling better after the stunt."