Untold. // Phan

Chapter 31

WARNING: MILD SMUT, DEPRESSION

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Phil's POV

Dan was weird since then. But understandably weird.

He didn't answer messages. When I came over to check on him, Addy had briefly told me he was okay. Only very sad and she was certain that he would be able to cope again someday. He only needed time.

I got it.

He had carried it around with himself for months. This huge "secret" what it was for him.

He had repressed it or wanted to repress it and now he has told it and I guess it just came up again. I couldn't imagine how terrible it was to live with something like that. Someone you love more than anything simply disappears from your life without warning. That's really bad enough. But then he saw it and- God I couldn't think about it.

P: Hey babe, I just hope you're okay. It's okay if you don't answer, take all the time you need. I love you.

He didn't come to school.

The boys asked about him, but I said I didn't know anymore than they do. They believed me or at least they made it look like they do believe me. They still didn't know about Dan and me. Maybe that should only happen when Dan is better.

I was afraid that Dan would now exclude me. At the same time, I didn't know how to prevent this.

Even my grandma asked where Dan was. She was even briefly worried that we had split up. Fortunately not.

After three days, Addy texted me. She probably had my number from his cell phone. She asked if I could come over to kind of take care of him. She would drive away with her father and she didn't want Dan to be alone in the house.

Of course, I immediately jumped out of bed and ran to his house.

"He's not talking." She said as we sat together on the couch. It almost sounded like a confession. "He hasn't eaten anything right in days. He doesn't drink either. Most of the time he just lies in bed, sometimes he sits outside for hours and smokes. He doesn't want me to be with him. When I'm there, he ignores me. I don't even know if it's ignoring or if he might not even notice me. He only tells my dad to go. That was all he said for the past few days. 'Leave'. In a continuous loop."

I swallowed hard and dropped into the couch. At that moment, I just hoped he'd be better in a few days.

"How are you?" I asked at some point and looked over at her. Her mom was dead and she just focused on Dan. Perhaps that was her method of suppressing it. By not admitting that she was feeling like shit too.

"I don't have to talk to you about it. I'm going to a therapist." She smiled sadly.

"Of course."

"Compared to him, I'm fine." I nodded.

Then she left, leaving me alone in their house, where I might feel more at home than all three together.

I ran up and down the living room, looking at some pictures where Dan looked a thousand times healthier than now. I wondered what his mom looked like. There was nothing anywhere that reminded of his mother.

After a few minutes, I finally decided to go upstairs to his room. I was afraid of it. I was afraid of people who were loaded with emotions and didn't know where to put them.

Without any forewarning, I entered his room. It was darkened, but light rays of the sun still found their way in. He was lying in bed, under his blanket, facing the wall.

"Babe?" I asked quietly after closing the door. Quiet, I had to be quiet, because it had to be damn loud in his head. I knew it, it was disgusting. The worst feeling of all. Because nobody knows how loud it is, so nobody pays attention. I tried to be considerate.

"Go away." he muttered.

"Dan, it's me."

"Leave me alone."

"I love you." That was the best I could think of. I was still standing at the door. In theory, I was still holding the doorknob. Addy just wanted me to be in the house. I didn't have to be in his room. I didn't have to be with him.

To my surprise, he responded and turned around. His head found the way to the surface and he looked at me. And I could have cried.

I haven't cried in ages, for a long time there was no real reason. But seeing him like this, so sad, so tired, it just hurt. I swallowed the tears and took my hand off the doorknob. I took a small step forward to see how he reacted, but he didn't respond. So I went for a second one.

"Hey, babe." I said softly again. I slowly sank onto his bed. I sat on the edge as far away from him as possible. I didn't get closer because I wasn't sure if he wanted or needed it.

I wanted to ask him how he was doing, but I could save myself the question. The question was stupid.

He just looked at me with his dark, sad eyes and it broke my damn heart.

"Distract me." He said at some point and it shocked me at first that he said something that wasn't "Leave". Then I was confused, almost overwhelmed.

"What?"

"Distract me, please."

"Okay, how?" I was overwhelmed.

"Let's fuck." He said in a rough voice. The way a voice sounds when you haven't used it for ages.

"Dan..." That's a bad idea. Really bad idea.

"Please, Phil." He begged. "I don't want to think anymore. I don't want to feel this anymore, I don't want anything anymore. Please Phil, make it stop." It sounded like he could cry.

He sat up, took my hand and pushed it under the blanket, whereupon it laid on his crotch. I couldn't take my eyes off him. At some point he rested his head on my shoulder.

It was a stupid idea to distract him like that, but I used to be like that too. But unlike him, it worked for me. Nothing seemed to work for him. Even after a few minutes, he wasn't hard, which otherwise happened relatively quickly. And then he started to cry.

I released my hand from him and put my hands on his back, whereupon I hugged him tightly. A few seconds later, he let go and just fell in my arms, whereupon he clawed his hand into my shoulder and just cried.

At that moment I just hoped that someday he would be better, because this picture, the whole situation was about to break my bloody heart.

"I can't take this, Phil."

"I know." I rubbed his back. "I know."

I remembered sitting on my grandmother's sofa covered in blood. She just held me in her arms. I thought I would die. And I was so scared.

"I'm here, I won't leave you alone. You're not alone, I promise."

And for an eternity he had just cried and clawed at my arm until he finally stopped. Then he lay down and wanted me to lie next to him, whereupon he snuggled into my arms. I held him tight and he fell asleep.

When his sister and father returned, he just slept.

Addy had sneaked into the room for a moment and looked at me unbelievably for a moment. Dan, who has not wanted anyone for days, has ignored his boyfriend and sister, was cuddled up with said boyfriend.

And when she was gone, I laid there staring at the ceiling, hoping that maybe he would be better now.

When he woke up and I was about to get up, he hugged me closer and said a simple word that at that moment meant so much:

"Stay."

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