Untold. // Phan

Chapter 18

I'm scared as hell to want you.
But here I am, wanting you anyway.

***

It was Saturday, a week after all this shit happened.

We were on a field and it was really like Phil had said: you could see all of this fucking village. It was dawning, the lanterns were already on, you could see the lights in the houses. Everything was so far way.

There were already a few stars in the sky, but there really weren't many.

Phil had picked me up at my house this afternoon. We had walked here together, had set up the tent and sat now, with a bottle of beer in hand, in the meadow and start down the field in the village. We had a couple of bottles of beer and cigarettes.

We had clinked our bottles and laughed, but now we just sat here.

At home it was like nothing had ever happened. Although Dad always took care now that Addy wasn't alone at home and regularly contacted him. She pretended that nothing had happened. Nobody mentioned it, so it never happened, right?

Why do we think that works that way?

Addy went to school and met with her classmates. She had even brought two home last week. They seemed nice, but I didn't see much of them.

I hadn't done anything to me in this one week that surprised me. Maybe I was too busy with my, well, friends? In the evening I often texted with Phil, but mostly it was about the trip we were on right now.

Almost two months ago I didn't know him yet and now I was sitting here with him and drinking beer. I trusted a stranger. And maybe he trusted me.

"What did you do when you were here alone?" I asked him after a while. He took a sip of his beer.

"Exactly the same." he answered. "Only with vodka."

I raised my eyebrows.

Could I imagine that? I couldn't imagine Phil sitting alone somewhere and getting drunk. I couldn't imagine that he was aggressive, that's what he told me. Yes, he used to go to parties a lot, drinking and smoking and being pretty mean. I couldn't imagine that.

Just as he probably couldn't imagine that I was happy.

"My granddad used to go camping with me when I came here fresh and he said he wanted me to get used to a life in nature."

"That's bullshit." I said laughing, taking a sip of my bottle.

"Yes, I think he just wanted a men's night with his fourteen-year-old grandson."

"How exciting." I laughed and Phil joined in.

"At some point, I went alone, when I didn't want to see any of this, from the village, the people, here I was alone, in such a safe bubble, you know?"

I nodded, because I really understood it.

"Thanks for letting me into your safe bubble, I guess." He smiled gently at me.

After a beer later, we both lay side by side in the field. It was warm, but you could tell that the summer was coming to an end. It was dark, there were many stars in the sky.

The moon wasn't full.

We shared a cigarette.

We didn't touch, but he was so close to me that I could feel his warmth.

It was late, I think.

"Did you ever look at someone and asked yourself, why are they like this? Like, what is their story? Why do they do what they do? What made them like this?"

Phil released smoke from his lungs and looked at me. Maybe we were closer than I thought at first.

"Whenever I look at you."

My heart contracted. It hurt, but it wasn't a bad pain. And in his eyes was so much and I had no idea what that all meant at once, but one thing I knew: I wanted to kiss him.

I wanted it so much and I noticed how my eyes jumped between his eyes and his lips, but I didn't dare. Even if I thought I would just do it, I didn't do it. I was fucking scared. What if I do it and he doesn't want it? Then I would have lost the only "friend" I possibly had here. And then the whole trip would be fucked up and everything would be fucked up and-

He kissed me.

Before I could continue my panicked train of thought, I felt his lips on mine and it was all okay.

It felt like a huge load was falling off my shoulders.

It was gentle, short, innocent. When Phil pulled away from me, I just looked at him for a moment until I slowly put my hand on his neck and rejoined our lips. He put his hand on my back and pulled me closer to him.

And suddenly I wasn't afraid anymore.

We just kissed, as if we both had been waiting for it forever. But it wasn't a hard kiss or something. It was, no idea, full of love, although love is already an extreme word. It was just soft and careful. I just couldn't describe it.

After a while we pulled away. And while we were breathing, we just looked at each other and started to grin like two idiots.

My hand was still on his neck. Slowly I put it on his cheek and just looked at him for a while.

"You're really pretty, do you know that?" Phil started to laugh and I did too.

"Shut up!"

"I'm serious, Phil!"

"Well then, thank you." he grinned. I leaned forward to kiss him again. Short.

He pulled me closer, so that my head was now on his shoulder. He was warm and quite comfortable.

We didn't talk much, as if we were trying to process what was happening. We shared a cigarette again.

Did I really have so much luck? Phil was special, just perfect and I was just me and broken. And yet I was here. With Philip fucking Lester.

"I've never brought anyone here." Phil said quietly, almost inaudibly.

Slowly I raised my head and looked at him.

"Really?" I frowned. He shook his head slightly. There was so much honesty in his eyes.

I had no idea what to say, so I kissed him gently. Words just couldn't describe much at this moment anyway.

I didn't know if I was here because he wanted me to be safe or because he felt safe with me. It didn't matter.

When I pulled away from him, he looked at me with a faint smile. He gently brushes my curls back until he gently puts his hand to my cheek.

"Will you tell me your story someday?" He asked quietly, carefully. For a moment I just looked at him until I started to nod.

"Someday."

****
Merry Christmas/happy holidays ❤️

Holy fuck, finally.
make sure to vote, tho :D