Untold. // Phan

Chapter 23

I'm dying and trying, but believe me I'm fine.
But I'm lying.
I'm so very far from fine.

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WARNING: MENTION OF SELFHARM, DEPRESSIVE THOUGHTS

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I felt it.

How the desire had come, as my thoughts grew louder and louder. I knew what was happening and yet I hadn't said a word.

Addy had brought her sheets to my room and threw them carelessly on my bed. We played another round of Mario Kart and then went to bed. She had asked if I was alright and I lied, saying yes. Phil had asked exactly the same and I had given him the same answer.

And then it was getting late. Addy fell asleep and it was quiet, just not in my head.

Before I could waste another thought, I was in the bathroom. With blood on my arms and hands. With towels that were full of red spots. Surrounded by complete silence.

In the sink, red droplets flowed into the drain.

Fuck.

I had no idea what time it was, didn't know how long I had been in this bathroom. It seemed like a minute to me. Everything happened so fast.

I got up way to fast and went to the bathroom. No more thoughts were wasted, as if that was the only solution. And suddenly it scared me.

It was sick, right? Of course, I did know that it wasn't normal, but somehow, only now did I realize that I was sick. The thing I did was sick. And suddenly I didn't remember who I am or what I have been doing here the whole time because holy fucking shit, who the fuck does that?

I wanted to be different, I had the plan that I would tell someone. I had promised Phil to tell him, to talk to him,everything but not that again. And yet I was standing here, at exactly the same point that I was. It seemed to me as if I had not improved a little. As if nothing had got better. As if everything was as fucked up as it always was.

But it wasn't always fucked up.

I closed my eyes and tried to stop the train of thought that started.

I wanted to go to bed.

Quickly I let the cloths disappear and cleaned the sink. I pulled down the sleeves of my shirt and tried to leave the bathroom as quietly and unobtrusively as possible.

Carefully, I slipped into my room and crawled into my bed. Addy faced the wall. I faced the room.

"Where have you been?" I heard Addy ask and closed my eyes. Shit. Her voice didn't sound like she had just woken up.

"Bathroom."

"Half an hour?"

"Yes, sometimes you need more time, you know?"

"Don't lie to me." she said quietly and turned around. She sounded a bit annoyed and somehow I could understand it. But I didn't want that. Not now. Never. I didn't move and didn't have the motivation to argue because I would lose anyway.

"Turn around."

"Addy."

"Dan." she said almost like a warning and I lay down clumsily on the back. She was sitting up and I just looked at her.

"Talk to me." she said softly now and it broke my heart in so many kind of ways.

"What do you want to hear from me?" I asked tiredly, almost desperately, because what the hell should I tell her?

I was tired. On so many fucking levels and right now I just wanted to sleep. I wanted to switch off, find something like peace. Shut down and restart tomorrow as if nothing had ever happened.

"Why didn't you say anything? Why don't you say anything? I was there, right next to you! That was the fucking reason why I was next to you. Why didn't you say anything? "

My first intuition was to tell her that she wouldn't understand. But then I realized that I couldn't say that anymore, because she could understand it. She was in the hospital, overdose, drugs, alcohol. She understood it and in some way she was as fucked up as I was. And I hated it.

So, why didn't I say anything?

"I don't know." I said quietly, barely audible. And the way Addy looked at me at that moment broke my heart. I wanted it to stop, that we didn't have to have this conversation.

"What would you have done, would I have told you something?" I asked after a while.

"Made sure you don't do it, obviously."

"How?"

"I don't know, Dan. Somehow. We could have done that." she said and laid down again.

She made it sound so easy. As if it wasn't a problem, as if it was the easiest in the world. Maybe it was, but it felt so fucking hard for me. Slowly she put her hand on my upper arm.

"You have to stop it." she said quietly and only now I realized how desperate she was. If it wouldn't be in the middle of the night, if I wouldn't be so fucking tired and sad I would have shouted at her. But now, at that moment, after realizing how fucking sick I was, I realized that she was right.

I didn't say anything for a while, just stared at the ceiling.

"Im afraid to lose you, do you understand that?"

"You won't lose me."

"Promise me that." she demanded and I turned my head so that I could look at her.

"I promise."

I didn't know how to stop it. Which magic trick I had to use there.

I was tired. I closed my eyes and tried not to think about what the hell was going on with me. Actually I just wanted to go away, somewhere where it didn't hurt. Where everything was okay, where I was safe from all the evil thoughts and the pain.

And then I thought of Phil. About the trip. Our first kiss. How we lie in his bed and cuddle. About moments when everything had felt right, as if everything in the universe was in its place. There were moments when I was okay. Mostly those were the moments when he stroked my hair, when he told me some totally stupid story from his life, when we kissed.

I fell asleep dreaming of good moments.

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Also, in this chapter you can really tell that english is not my first language. So I am really, truely sorry and please, please, correct me.