Untold. // Phan

Chapter 4

WARNING: MENTION AND USE OF DRUGS (WEED)

***

For a few minutes, I might have thought about starting a therapy again, but my brain denied it again very quickly. It hadn't done anything for me and it wouldn't do any good now.

It was raining all night, so everything was muddy the next morning. So the planned football game was obsolete. I sat outside alone enjoying the clean air while I thought nothing of it.

"Football isn't going to be a good idea today, but you're welcome to join us." I heard a familiar voice and looked up. I didn't answer for a while, whereupon he sat next to me, which, to be honest, confused me even more.

"Do you mind if I'm sitting here?"

"No, sit wherever you want." I said confused.

"Are you trying to be an asshole?" he asked with a cheeky grin.

"I'm not trying anything." I rolled my eyes.

"It's not so easy to change school. Where were you before?" He tried to be nice. He really tried.

"Not here." Just as I tried to be an asshole.

"Come on." he tried anyway with a cheeky grin.

"We moved. We used to live in Wokingham and now, please don't ask any questions, okay?" I hated how desperate I sounded.

To my utter surprise, he nodded understandingly.

"You know, my friends, they're not as curious as I am, so you really don't have to worry about them pissing you off." It almost broke my heart that he tried so hard.

He was definitely a guy who had to take care of everything and everyone. As if he had some kind of helper syndrome and he would burst if I wouldn't agree.

"Alright."

And actually nobody asked any questions.

In the evening I laid in my bed staring at the ceiling. It was dark and quiet in the house, which made me feel even lonelier. It didn't make sense to feel lonely. I had my dad who was always taking care of me and I had Addy who never let me out of my sight. I wasn't alone, but lonely.

With a few memories, I was alone. Some happenings. A part of me was lonely.

I heard footsteps in front of my door, which tore me out of my depressive thoughts. My door opened seconds later and Addy stuck her head in my room.

"Are you awake?" I sat up and she came in and closed the door.

"What's going on?" I asked confused, because she didn't sound like she was feeling bad.

"I have something for us." she said, holding a joint in front my face.

"Where did you get that stuff from?" I asked even more confused and shocked. How could she find someone to sell her this stuff?

"A girl from my class. Her brother sells the stuff. She said it's good, and she doesn't look stupid." she explained. "I thought, now that we have a roof too, you know?"

In fact, she managed to make me smile.

"He's gonna kill us." I whispered and nodded to my door. Our dad was literally on the other side of the wall.

"Dad is sleeping." she replied and got up. She opened my window and climbed out, whereupon I did the same, only that I still carried my blanket and my water bottle out with me. We sat down and I spread the blanket over our legs and clamped my bottle between my legs.

She held out the joint and I took it and lit it.

"We never did that at our place." Addy noticed.

"Dad will smell it."

"We will fall from the roof." she laughed while looking down.

"The grass is soft, we'll be fine." I mumbled as I looked down too. "The stuff seems to be okay." I passed it on to Addy.

"I am the worst brother in the world." I started to laugh, while she took it. "But if you ever use other drugs, I'll kill you."

"And then only with you."

"No, not even with me." She rolled her eyes and I took a sip of my water bottle.

"Imagine dad would know what fucked up shit we did at home." Addy said and I raised my eyebrows.

"I think he'll never let us out again."

"He was definitely like that, where else did we get that from?"

"It doesn't matter what parents were before they became parents, and even if he snorted coke, it doesn't matter, he won't care."

"In the end he's going to do it with us."

"Yeah, probably." We both didn't know if it was a joke or serious. "I would really like to know what he did when he was a kid."

"Now that we talk about it, yeah." Addy agreed.

For some time we sat in silence next to each other, smoked the joint and stared into the sky. The lights were off in the other houses, but all stars where shining in the sky and for a few seconds it felt like the earth was not the worst place ever. As if life were not totally sad and unpredictable. Yes, actually it felt okay.

"Is it really okay at school?" Addy asked after a while. The joint was long gone and I didn't know how long we had sat silently side by side.

"Yes." I nodded. We didn't look at each other, but continued to stare down the street. I noticed Addy leaning back and finally lying on the roof.

"You don't talk to anyone, right?" she sounded as if she had caught me.

"Actually, I do." I replied to our surprise. I looked down at my sister, who frowned at me. "I'm serious."

"With who?"

"There's one guy with helper syndrome in my parallel class. I think he wouldn't have left me alone if I hadn't gone to his friends with him."

"Sweet." was her only answer. We both had to laugh, certainly because of the drugs.

At some point, we both just stretched out on our roof and stared into the sky. We both knew that this would be a routine as in Wokingham. Where each weekend we sat with someone else on the roof. At that time we had talked more. At that time, we were funnier and could think a lot more about everything.

Now I was thinking too much when I was sober and everything else like drugs or razor blades made it stop for a moment. I knew that I shouldn't have done that, not now, not with these motives. At home we had taken drugs for fun, it was all a lot funnier, but now I took them because I wanted silence.

It probably sounds like I was a junkie. but I wasn't. Now and then maybe. From time to time.

~~~
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also, stay safe. don't use drugs when you are too young and if you take drugs, inform yourself. and stay away from meth. thank you, see ya next chapter!