Untold. // Phan

Chapter 20

I want to give you
tools that can destroy
my heart.

***

I wanted to get up. I wanted to go to school. I wanted to live.

Just before Phil's house, I saw that he was already sitting on the stairs. He smiled gently at me and stood up. We hugged each other for a short time and then walked off together. We didn't say much. We just enjoyed the other's presence.

And it seemed to me that we wouldn't expect anything from each other. To be honest, I expected absolutely nothing from him. No great speech, no body contact, just nothing. And I found that it made things so much easier.

At school we behaved as usual, except maybe we looked a few times too long. It was okay. I didn't want the whole world to know. Yet. It should stay with us, safe, whatever that is. In our safe little bubble we created on the weekend.

During the breaks we sat together in our typical constitution. PJ talked about a party he had attended at the weekend and how he had met a totally pretty girl. He said her name was Sophie and that he had actually managed to get her number. What I didn't expect, because PJ looked pretty shy.

Lukas gave him a high five.

When I was sitting in my english class, I got a message and immediately had to smile.

P: Wanna come to my place after school?

D: Sure. :)

I put my phone back in my pocket and could hardly wait until the school day was finally over.

I survived the last two lessons and was the first to leave the classroom after the bell rang. Phil was already waiting outside and we started walking together. It was unremarkable. We often walked together, I mean, we live almost in the same street.

We talked only about school stuff until we arrived at his home. He had teachers that bothered him, I had mine. And the fucking homework. A torture.

He opened the door and we entered the house.

"I'm home, Nana. Dan is here too." he said and it seemed that he was waiting for an answer.

His grandma came out of the kitchen and smiled at us. She was wearing an apron.

"Hi boys. Are you hungry?"

Phil looked at me, but I just shook my head unobtrusively.

"Later." We went up the stairs. His granny smiled gently at me. No wonder Phil was such an angel if his grandma was the same.

We went to his room and he closed the door. He put down his backpack and I did the same.

"Does your dad know you're here?" He knew that my dad was worried quickly.

"Yes, I texted him." He nodded understandingly.

He stood at the door while I stood in the middle of the room.

Faster than I could think, he stood right in front of me and put his lips on mine. I was surprised, but not against it. His hands were on my hips, whereupon I laid mine slowly on his shoulder.

As fast as it happened, it was already over.

"I'm feeling better now." he said and I had to laugh.

"Glad I could help." Phil dropped to his bed, laughing. I stayed.

"Do you think we should keep all this for ourselves first?" he asked after a while and I swallowed hard but started to nod. He nodded too, but it looked like he was checking something in his head.

"It's not that I'm uncomfortable." he wanted to clarify and I just nodded.

"Yes I know." I assured him. "I just want to- I don't know, no matter what this is, I kind of want it to be just us, you know? Does that sound stupid?"

"No. No, not at all."

I let out a calm breath. Was that just real? My little secret with Phil.

"Okay, I have to get rid of this now, I really want this, and I don't want to mess it up, I'm really fucked up and I know that, I think everyone knows that. I mean, you can ask my dad, but I think you know that on your own. And I don't know if I'm going to be normal someday, I can't promise or give you anything, absolutely nothing, but one thing I can say is that I'll do anything to make this work, really you're just perfect and I'm pure shit and you're so fucking handsome and I'm-"

I hadn't noticed how he got up. I hadn't noticed how he approached me and put his lips on mine. How he gently took my face in his hands.

It was okay and I closed my eyes and just let it in. I was falling and couldn't do anything except hope that I wouldn't hit the hard ground but that Phil would catch me. But I trusted him.

And I think Addy was right. He would be good for me. But I couldn't give him anything, absolutely nothing. And I was afraid of that.

When he pulled away from me, we both took a deep breath. My face was still in his hands and he was holding it so I could look him in the eye.

"Do you know that you're pretty, too?" he asked. I laughed, but actually the answer was no. No I didn't know.

I used to be pretty, self-confident. But now it was all gone, because I wasn't the same as before. I was scarred, a bit thinner than before. Not dramatic, but I noticed it. And God, I was so damn sad. And broken. And sick.

"I want you to promise me a thing." He started and I listened attentively. "Come to me when it gets bad."

I knew what he meant, what he wanted. Demanded. And I felt it, I couldn't promise anything. Actually, I was pretty sure he knew that.

"Okay." I nodded anyway, because I would try. Even if I failed.

"I'll take care of you, alright?" I closed my eyes and nodded again, whereupon I felt his lips on mine.
~~~
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