Untold. // Phan

Chapter 8

WARNING: MENTION OF SELFHARM, STICHES, HOSPITAL

***

I remembered the smell in the hospital. That a young nurse had stiched my wound. Nobody had asked me why or how. Everyone just did their job and that was better that way, because I wouldn't have answered anyway.

"You should get some rest." That's what she said after she finished. She felt sorry and she didn't mean that I should go to sleep.

None of us had said anything for the entire drive. My dad hadn't asked any questions. In the car, I fought hard not to fall asleep. Everything was moving in slow motion. My head had problems putting the pictures together.

5:08 am. This indicated the clock in the car after I was spending eternities focusing on them.

When we arrived, my father helped me out of the car and almost dragged me into the hallway of the house. I remembered running into the kitchen and puking in the sink. That I started crying and my dad had to help me to stand still. I wanted to say a lot, but nothing came out of me except the constant sobbing.

After that he had put me in his bed, whereupon I fell asleep immediately. Maybe he had said something else, but I didn't hear it anymore.

When I woke up it was dark and I wasn't alone.

"I didn't want to wake you up." I heard Addy's voice and only now noticed that she held my hand. The door was a bit open, so I could see her silhouette and face.

"Why aren't you at school?"

"It's 3pm, Dan." Something like a laugh left me, but it wasn't a laugh. I don't know what it was.

"How are you?" she asked softly and I squeezed her hand but didn't answer.

"You look like shit." she said after a while.

"I feel like shit." I mumbled and tried to sit up. She knew it, of course she knew it. My father had told her, certainly.

"Why didn't you come to me?" I frowned and looked confused. That wasn't really an option for me. "You can talk to me."

"Who says that I wanna talk?"

"You should talk."

"I shouldn't do something, I don't wanna do."

"You shouldn't-!" it popped out of her, but she didn't complete the sentence. We both knew what she wanted to say and maybe I wanted her to say it once. Then she would be the asshole for a moment, not me. She sighed and ran her fingers through her hair.

"You should eat something." she finally said and I swallowed hard. I watched our hands for a moment.

"Okay." I nodded and she took her hand from mine, but I reached for it as if it were my essence to life. Addy looked at me wide-eyed, probably not expecting the reaction any more than I did. For a moment, we both sat there, frozen.

"Please, don't be mad at me, please, I-" I begged, but she interrupted me, pulling me into her arms. She pressed me to her. One hand was around my back, the other in my hair. I started crying.

"You scared the shit out of me." she said quietly and I pressed my eyes together. I clasped her shoulders with my hands, almost clawing at her, as if I was scared that someone would take her away from me.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, please, I didn't want that, I'm sorry."

"It's okay, Dan, it's okay, your're okay." she repeated again and again as she weighed me like a baby back and forth. The last time I cried so before her, we were sitting on the sidewalk in Wokingham. I could remember exactly.