Then You Came

Chapter 18

You never really get used to coping with a loss. Whether it's losing a person from your life, or this world.

The pain. It never goes away. It sticks with you. You learn to cope but never conquer it.

I remember the night my dad left.

I was sitting on the stairs in my house waiting for him to come upstairs and find me waiting to see him. I missed him. He had gone on a lot of "work" trips these past few months.

I heard the door open and lowered my self a few steps to where I could hear but not see them. Them being my mom and dad. I remember him saying, "This is for the best." And walking upstairs.

I remember looking up at him. He hugged me, then walked to his room. I followed him. "Where are you going?" I asked, curious as to why he was packing his things.

"Daddy's going on a long work trip." He spoke to me. I believed him. It wasn't until 10pm that night, did I realize he was going for good. I found my mom in the bathtub crying and venting to my aunt. She was saying stuff like, "other women. Replacing us. Doesn't love us."

I ran to my room and sat on my purple bed. I started tearing up trying to process things.

Why was he leaving me? *tear*
Why doesn't he care about me? *tear*
Why is he abandoning me when his little girl needs him? *tear*
Why couldn't I have been a good enough daughter? *tear*
*tear, tear, tear*

They all came burning down my face. Each one for a different thought or feeling. Every moment I should have been with him more. Every fight we ever had. Why weren't we enough?

It was an endless battle inside me. My head told me to be mad at him, that it was good that he was leaving cause he shouldn't deserve us.

My heart was telling me to not be mad because it's my fault. I should've been better. I should've spent more time with him. It's all my fault that he didn't want to stay. Why couldn't I have just been enough!

Everytime my feelings went to battle my head would start off winning and my tears would dry, only to find my heart winning everytime and me ending up pouring out sobbing.

I had school the next morning but I ditched it. My mom went to work as usual and didn't even look at him. Looked like hours of tears and venting made him dead to her already. She did NOT look okay but acted like it because she thought I didn't know.

I clearly remeber the last conversation I had with my dad. He was about to leave. For good.

I stood there standing afraid of what to say. "Shouldn't you be in school?"

"Just wanted to say goodbye before you left on your... trip." I responded teary-eyed. I managed a smile. At that moment, my heart had won. I don't remember the exact reason that I lied about me knowing. Maybe because I didn't want to get in a fight. Maybe because I wanted to be happy for once. But probably because I wanted to believe that he was just going on a work trip and that all the other trips were for work. I wanted to believe we were happy.

"Thanks, Cammie." He said opening the door and started to walk out.

"Dad. I....love you." I said.

"I love you too." He replied, smiling and shutting the door.

I snapped myself out of the memory. His last words to me were a lie. Everything he ever said was a lie. I should've slapped him. I vowed to myself that if I ever see him again, I will slap him.

I should always just listen to my head. It knows the facts and what's best. I hate myself for letting my heart win. I hate my dad. Dad.

Why do I still call him that? He LEFT me. ABANDONED me. He doesn't deserve that title.

The name dad was dead to me. He was dead to me.

And to be honest, I finally felt much happier.