I'M NOT HERE | s.stan

004. if not now, when?

Sebastian smelled like rain, and sometimes too much cologne. He wore a white shirt and would leave the collar open so wide you could see everything under the shirt if you looked well enough. He had this beautiful necklace but he didn't like to call it a necklace, he said it was too 'girly.' It was golden with a triangle on it, I asked him why he wore it, he said he doesn't know but I think he does. It was probably given to him by an ex girlfriend or something. That might not be true, he was so in love with my sister.

Seattle was going to take two and a half days to get to, and by now I was probably thinking that I should have gotten a flight instead. We decided to stay at a run down, but nice motel.

I took my luggage out of the trunk of his car and he took his smaller one out from the backseat.

"Why is yours so big?" He asks.

"Why not?" I reply, he smiles at me and chuckles. He makes sure the car is locked and we enter the lobby. The air is hot and moist, I couldn't wait for us to get to our room.

"I'm sorry, all beds at this motel are queen sized."  The clerk says, Sebastian shrugs to that. I, on the other hand was a little unnerved. Was I really going to sleep next to Sebastian? Don't get me wrong, I trusted him. But it's just a bit weird to me.

We get to the motel and it's a lot...smaller than I imagine, but only because the bed was taking up a lot of the space. I went to the bathroom to see what it was like, nothing too gross or bad. The water ran fine, I was sold. Sebastian collapses on the bed, face first. He groans lightly, "Oh god, that feels nice." I could tell he was tired from driving so much. I breathlessly chuckle.

"You know, if you're so tired, I could drive tomorrow." I tell him, he doesn't move his body but he lifts his head up.

"Seriously? I thought you didn't know how to drive." He replies with a puzzled look on his face. I scrunch up my face, "Sebastian – I'm not 17, everyone knows how to drive."

He nods once and stops. "I mean, only if you're okay with it."

Sebastian goes to shower first and he comes out dripping wet and a single towel draped over his waist. The water soaking the beige carpet that was probably white before. I do everything in my power not to look at him and focus on the TV. I hear some shuffling for a moment before he goes back in.

I let out a breath I had been sucking in for a while. God, he had such a beautiful body. When he comes out, he's wearing grey sweatpants and a normal tee. 5 minutes after he comes out I decide it's time I should shower and try to find the remote to shut off the television.

"Don't close the TV." He tells me, so I mutter an 'okay' and go straight to the bathroom without another word.

The water comes out ice cold at first, but eventually a moment later, my initial shock at the temperature calms down after it goes up to nice lukewarm water.

I sigh happily at the feeling and continue to shower. It only takes me a couple of minutes and I'm already out of the tub in 6 minutes. I can't hear the TV anymore. I wear a sleeveless nightdress that reaches to half my knees and dry my hair.

When I come out, Sebastian is already asleep and sprawled out a little on the bed. I giggled to myself as I snap a picture of his open-mouthed snore and save it to use later for possible blackmail.

Then I crawl under the covers, shut off the lamp, and try to get some sleep although I slept a whole lot on the car. So I laid there for about 10 minutes in the same position, in silence, before a thought crossed my mind. I didn't want him to think I was creepy, so I steered clear of looking in his direction. But I couldn't help myself and turned to him, he was turned to me.

His mouth was open slightly and his eyes were shut tight. He was snoring a little bit as well. I guess I never really paid attention to Sebastian. We were always close to each other, mostly because of how tight knit our families were. We never got the time to spend time, alone. Even if we did, it was either forced by Joane so she couldn't be burdened by us.

I continued to stare at him for a while, then I went through my phone until my eyes were droopy and I fell asleep.

-

By the time it was 10AM we were already on the road. I was driving and Sebastian decided to nap in the passenger's seat, cuddling a big pillow. I sighed and connected my phone to the car's speakers and opened my playlist.

I probably drove for about two hours until we finally decided to get something to eat. The nearest town available was Saratoga Springs.

"I heard the town is best known for breeding racehorses," I say to Sebastian as I pick up as I look at the GPS on my phone.

"Breeding racehorses?" He replies, "Seriously?"

I nod in response. Something seems to be distracting him, he was disinterested in everything I had to say. Maybe I was just a boring person overall.

"What's on your mind, Seb?" I finally say. He raises an eyebrow at my question.

"Since when did you start calling me 'Seb?' He asks with an amused smile on his face. I can feel the head rush to my cheeks, I can barely mumble a small 'shut up'

"Nothing. I don't know- I can't think straight. I can't stop thinking about how we're going to do this whole thing." He says finally. I was a little confused as to why he would say that, since he was the one to initiate this idea anyways.

"Well, it's okay. We have all week to think about it. It doesn't have to happen now." I reply, engaged in conversation but keeping my eyes focused on the road. I did look at him every now and then.

He shrugs and out of the corner of my eye I see him playing with the hem of his open-collar shirt.

"If not now, when?"