I'M NOT HERE | s.stan

040. dead to me

final chapter, katherine's point of view.

Sometimes, I wonder what would happen if I never went on that trip with Sebastian, or never met him at all. Would I keep pining for Josh until the end of time? Would I have lived in my sister's shadow forever?

I sighed, throwing my phone on my bed, "She didn't pick up." Sebastian shrugged. "I figured." He replied. Sebastian laid his back flat on my bed, staring at the fan on my ceiling. I could see his ocean blue eyes circle around with the same speed of the fan. "She'll come around. She always does. Right?" Josh reasoned, spinning around in my desk chair, not really paying attention to the conversation at hand. I don't know what he was told, but he was really clueless about what was happening. I guess it just shows that he didn't really know her at all. How she might be feeling, what was going through her mind. Nothing at all. The longer I thought about this, the longer it registered in my head that I guess they really weren't right for each other. Josh was his own person, and somehow he had always been categorized as like, the property of Joane in my brain.
I decided to quickly change the subject, "So, are we going to go out? Or what?" I ask. Josh nods, "Sure. Just let me get some stuff from my place. I'll meet you guys there." We planned to meet at a semi-fancy restaurant that was expensive but not too expensive that pretentious rich people would come here to eat so they could have an aesthetic feed for their instagrams. It was lowkey than that. Plus, Sebastian had been going there for years and he claims the recipe for his favorite lasagna has never changed, but I digress.

As Josh left the house, I felt my phone buzz in the left pocket of my jeans. Joane was calling me, and I had to pick up. But as my finger hovered over the 'accept call' button, I was hesitant. Maybe it was the nerves, maybe she was going to say she hated me forever. Despite the urge to decline it, I answered anyway.

"Hello?"

"Can I come over?"

"Um, yeah. Are you oka-"

"I just...need to talk about some things. It'll be quick, I promise."

"Okay, but Josh, Sebastian and I were going to the restaurant a couple blocks from here. Do you wanna come? I'm sure they won't mind."

"No, that's okay. I'll be there in 5."

Then, she hung up. I started shaking, it was my anxiety. My hands were trembling, but I was calm. It was just something that happened a lot these days. "Seb?" I call out. He peeks his head through my doorway, the rest of his body is still in my room. "Yeah?" He replies. "I think Joane is coming, like now."

"Here?!" He asks, his voice now panicked. "Yes." He starts freaking out at my answer, which was pretty cute. He paced around my place looking for spaces where he could fit his tall body into. He tried the closet, would open cabinets and not close them back which was weird because he usually always closed everything. "W-what should I do? Do you think she'll be okay with me being at your place? I mean, I'm not saying Joane's crazy, but what if she's just coming to KILL me? Kay, please do something. I think I'll just hide in your room." He says all of this in under a minute, all while turning my apartment upside down.

"Relax!" I stride over towards him, holding his hands. "She's not going to do anything. I'll make sure of it. Plus, Joane's not like that! Come on, you know her, babe."

His panicked mood changed into a flustered one, which was followed by the famous Sebastian smirk.

"Did you just call me babe?" Sebastian asks, the smirk still evident on his face. I can feel the heat rising up to my cheeks. "Yeah, what about it?"

Before he could reply, I heard the ring of the bell. "Shit! She's here." I whisper yell. Sebastian widens his eyes. He sits himself down on my small couch, and crosses his legs like a girl. I give him a look of confusion but answer the door right after.

Joane looked like she hadn't been sleeping all night, she looked like she did before, when she still had some substance abuse problems. But I knew that Joane was long gone.

"Hey." She says, a half-hearted smile on her face. "Hey!" I say, before giving her a quick hug.

When she comes in, she spots Sebastian, and her eyes avert to me. She picks the furthest possible seat from Sebastian, which was the big loveseat in front of the TV. I was seated right next to him.

"I'm just here to talk." She explains. "I know." I reply, my hands started to shake again.

"I'm not mad at you for falling in love with Sebastian." I felt like weights were being lifted off my shoulders. "But, I'm mad that you didn't tell me you loved her too, until we were dating." She turns to tell him. "I knew you too liked each other, and I was waiting for something to happen. But it didn't, and you went for me. So I thought you were over her and gave you a chance, but I was wrong."

Sebastian sits up from his seat, "I'm really sorry, Joane. You know I would never do anything to hurt you. I was just really confused." He says, giving us his puppy eyes. I rolled my eyes, as if he thought he could make her forget about everything just by doing that stupid face. But I found it adorable, not that anyone has to know.

"I know, but I just think it's going to take a while for me to be okay with you. I don't mind that you two date, after all, I don't have a say in that. But I just need some time alone." She says, "That's all I wanted to say." Joane gets up, and takes her things.

"I'll see you soon." She tells me before giving me a hug, and Sebastian a nod. He is speechless.

Then, she leaves.

-

As I sit here at the restaurant with my best friend and my partner, I realize how much has happen in the time span of only a couple of months. I didn't know I was capable of falling out of love and falling back in it so fast. Funnily enough, I never expected this to happen. But it did, and that's what makes this so weird to me. I don't regret anything that happened, because if it didn't happen, then I probably wouldn't be here with the two guys I love the most.

I watched as they laughed together and finally got along. All I could do was sit and smile in content, but my hands were still shaking. Probably because I still had a lot of doubts, there was no definite answer to what was going to happen in the future. Until I felt a hand over my own, Sebastian looked at me, and smiled with his lips and with his ocean blue eyes. It was like he knew what was going through my mind, and he knew it was going to be alright. So, I don't really care what happens next, I know I've got him with me forever.